Road to Recovery
by DarkandTwisty03
Summary: Meredith is 16, in recovery for an eating disorder. Derek is 17, recovering from severe depression and cutting. They are not supposed to be together, but fate always rears it's ugly head in. Rated T for content not language or anything sexual.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey there! This is my new story, If anyone are readers of Right Kind of Wrong, I'm sorry I abandoned that fic. I'm thinking about updating soonish? Hopefully. Anyways, this story may seem very weird and dark to some but I promise it will get better. I'm so excited for y'all to read and I hope you enjoy! So without further ado, here is "Road to Recovery"**

"My problems started about five years ago. My mother was becoming more distant with me, and when she was home it was World War III. No matter what I did, wrong or right, I was horrid in her eyes. I was her personal punching bag, she always took her anger out on me. When she came home if I was eating, she'd call me fat saying, 'Meredith when will you learn? Food contains calories and calories are bad! No daughter of mine will be fat, when does your diet start?' Whenever she forced me to go to a social event for the hospital, the night before I would load up on water and then take water pills so I would look skinny. Even though all of her co-workers said I was way to thin and that even though I was 80 pounds naturally, I should be trying to gain weight. When my mother found out these things, she would agree with them until we got home. Then she would remind me that I wouldn't always look like this so I should diet now. I was always just there for her abuse, I used to never listen. Since I was 11 I didn't really understand why she thought all this about me, then I would remember that she ridiculed me on everything. I could never be enough for her. So by the middle of the year, I started seeing what I'm guessing my mother saw. I looked in the mirror and was disgusted by the reflection, so I googled around and found out that not eating was the fastest way to lose weight, the medical name was anorexia-nervosa. I even found some pro-ana sites. 'The first month is the hardest.' is what all the sites said. 'Join us and we can help you learn control. It gets easier we promise.' It seemed so surreal, I had never heard of anything like this before. But I knew if I wanted to make my mother happy, I needed to look like all the girls on this website, they were so thin. It was beautiful, I was jealous. I craved that beauty, I thought to myself…'I bet their mother's love them.' So that was it. I started not eating, lying to everyone, I mastered the art of control. My ana friends were so supportive… 'You can do it Meredith, just 10 more pounds' 'We're so proud of you, keep it up.' After about 2 months, I got down to about 50 pounds. My hair was falling out, my skin was turning yellow, and my nails were blue. But I had never felt so alive, my mother would come home and even though she still yelled at me about all my mistakes, she would occasionally say how beautiful I looked since I was dieting. I honestly thought things were getting better, and by my 12th birthday I was only 45 pounds, normal for my age and height was 110, so I was about 60 pounds underweight, which my body couldn't take. I found out this the hard way. My first day of middle school I passed out , my body started shutting down and I was in the hospital for a year to gain all the weight back. I was 13 years old and 115 pounds, you know what I saw? Fat. Everywhere. It wouldn't go away, and there was nothing I could do for about 2 years because the hospital was monitoring me. I was supposed to be in therapy, but my mother lied about it until now, that's why I'm here. I had another relapse. About 4 months after my 15th birthday, the hospital decided I was healthy and wouldn't relapse again, they were so wrong. As soon as I was off their watch, I knew I had to get back down to at least 80, so I asked my ana friends what to do. They all told me that throwing up would the weight melt off. I just had to eat less than 800 calories a day and throw up, I'd make it to my goal in about 2 months. I did, I got to 80 pounds on December 15th, 2009. Just four days before my 16th birthday, happy birthday to me. I felt alive yet again, I felt beautiful. Until I passed out again, once they rushed me to the hospital yet again, I fell into a coma for about 8 months. I just came out of it about a month ago, and here I am. In yet another recovery, only this time I'm actually in therapy. My mother never got charged by child protective services because they said it was my choice to do this. Of course I didn't tell them about the verbal abuse. I couldn't, I'd have nowhere to go. So I lied and said everything was perfect and I just felt fat, now here I am." 16 year old Meredith Grey shared her story about her 5 year long battle with anorexia and bulimia to her therapy group. After falling into a coma and almost dying, the hospital made sure she was admitted to the Springwood facility, which she has been at for about a month now. It was very grueling with four 3 hour therapy sessions, 1 group and 2 individual. They tell you not to make friends, and Meredith did not plan to, but there was a boy that caught her eye…

"Thank you Meredith for sharing. We'll discuss after everyone has shared. Derek why don't you go next." The middle aged woman said, she seemed very nice and she was patient with the kids. It seemed like she understood where they each came from.

"My dad died about 6 years ago. I'm the only boy out of 4 so when he died, it was a big deal. My father was my idol, my everything. So when two men came into his store and shot him in the chest over a watch, I was livid. Livid was an understatement and since I couldn't get revenge on these men, I fell into a deep depression. I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning, I never ate, and I became a cutter. I cut to feel alive, when I felt the knife pierce my skin, my body was on fire, I knew this was better than drugs. I felt so high, this was my escape. Especially since I couldn't tell anyone about my depression and I had to be the rock of my family. No one could know that I, Derek Shepherd, broke down every night bawling my eyes out because I would remember that my father would never be back home. That's when the drinking started, when I felt like a baby and a failure, when cutting stopped giving me that high, I turned to scotch. My mother and sisters grew suspicious but never said anything for about 5 years, I knew they wanted to though. They kept quiet until my oldest sister Kathleen walked into the bathroom and saw my wrists cut open and an empty bottle of scotch laying next to my unconscious body. She ran downstairs screaming and got my mother. She called 911 and all I remember from the time I passed out until waking up to my stomach being pumped and my wrists bandaged, is hearing 'Oh no, not him too. I cannot lose my only son. This cannot happen to me.' My mother is the only reason I am still alive, the reason I fought. I couldn't die knowing that my mother would never be the same. She needed me. So I pulled through and after about 3 months in the hospital, I had severe liver damage they wanted to monitor, I was released and here I am. I've been out of the hospital for about 2 weeks and they said I was healthy enough to be admitted here."

"Thank you Derek. Now kids, why do you think you all acted out in these ways? Meredith, why do you think you wanted to be so thin? Because you thought you were fat or because you wanted your mothers' love?" The therapist said this with a sympathetic smile as she looked towards the broken teenager in front of her. Looking up from the floor, obviously broken beyond repair, Meredith quietly whispered, "I just wanted her to love me." After these words left her mouth, Meredith Grey broke down into a sea of sobs, trying to apologize for being such a baby. The therapist said there was no reason to apologize as she wrapped her arms around the tiny girl, who was no more than 90 pounds, she was so fragile. Almost like if the wind blew the wrong way, she'd be whisked away and never return.

"Meredith we all understand what you're going through, or at least we are trying to. Can you help us?"

"I just want to go to bed, please? I know we still have 30 minutes but I just want to sleep. I'm so tired." She whispered to the woman.

"Sure thing, Derek would you please walk Miss Grey to her room then come right back?"

"Yes ma'am." The raven haired boy replied as he walked the distance to get to Meredith and looked at her with his piercing blue eyes. "Ready Meredith?" He asked her and was faced with the pair of saddened green eyes that reflected just what she felt, what he felt too. They were two broken teenagers that had been through hell and back, and though they were not supposed to end up together due to therapy rules, fate always seemed to have other plans.

**A/N: So what does everyone think? I know it is VERY different than most stories and I hope it's not too much for anyone but this idea popped into my head while swimming today and I knew I had to write about it. I hope y'all enjoyed and I should have another update by tomorrow night. Fingers crossed! Oh, reviews would really help me. If you like the story, hate it, want to maybe give tips or requests? I'm open to anything. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I know I said tomorrow, but it's technically tomorrow for me. It's 12:39am. So I want to do chapter 2 since I have nothing else to do. So I hope y'all enjoy. P.S I am LOVING the reviews I've gotten so far. People love it already which makes me happy and even more inspired to write. So here is chapter 2. Enjoy.**

Therapy was hell on Meredith. Being in this building was hell. She felt like Girl Interrupted. What she hated most was the fact that when she was force fed 3 times a day, people hovered. They watched her like a hawk and she was not allowed to go to the restroom until the food was completely digested so that she actually kept it down. Another thing she hated, the diary. That stupid red book with the black border filled with 180 pages of lined paper, its sole purpose was for her to express her mushy gushy inner feelings. Anyone who knew Meredith knew she was no good at expressing her feelings, she avoided and ran from her problems, something she learned from her parents. When most kids were getting the one call every 2 days from their parents, she sat on her bed looking out the window. She had no family. No one except her ana friends and her therapy group, and since she was in recovery she lost contact with all her online friends. So she was left with her "forbidden family" the therapy group that were not supposed to date, become friends, or anything personal since they were there to get better, not to be social.

Today was a day when parents called to talk to their kids, so when most kids went into the lobby, Meredith made a bee line for her room. Followed by a dark haired boy, though he was sent away twice and had to resort to sneaking down her hallway. When he knocked on the door, Meredith was shaken from her thoughts and she attempted to hide her tears as she allowed him in.

"Hey Meredith, I've noticed every time we call our parents you run. Does your mother seriously not care about you? Does she not care that her daughter almost died twice?" He was growing agitated about Meredith's mother causing all this trouble and not caring about her daughter. He didn't know how or why, seeing as he just met her a week ago, but when Derek was with her he felt happier. He felt like maybe the world wasn't so evil, and that maybe he wouldn't be this broken forever. He was pulled from his rare happy thought when he heard Meredith's soft sob coming from her bed as she sat there staring out the window.

"No. She doesn't care. Do you think she would? She tells me I'm the reason my father left, and once she stopped calling me beautiful and learned of my disorder, she said it was my fault. She said I knew what would happen and I shouldn't care about her approval of me. I should be strong enough to be my own person and that I should grow a backbone and stop being weak. You wanna know why I don't call her? I get so sick and tired of her constantly reminding me what a fuck up I am." Her body was racked with new tears that she refused to cry in front of him, so she turned back to the window knowing she couldn't block any emotions from flowing because her body was weak. She was weak, and she lost the control she once had. When she wasn't eating, she had control. She knew that she was restricting one thing, but gaining so much more, if only her body wouldn't have given up on her she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be faced with the world's most attractive teenage boy and unable to look at him because of her weakness. She missed having that control, she missed the high she felt when she was full of hunger pains or when she weighed herself and saw she was 2lbs lighter, sometimes more. Now she had to sit here, hiding her face from someone who made her forget about her life for just a while.

Derek, being the protective guy he is, walked over to Meredith and turned her around. When he did, he wiped her tears, pulled her into a tight embrace and told her, "She is so stupid. If she can't see how amazing you are, she shouldn't be a doctor. You deserve better, you are better. I want you to know, even though we haven't known each other long, I like you. I know we aren't supposed to like each other because we are here to heal, but I don't care. I need you and I think you need me, so what do you say friends? Wanna be a rebel?" Meredith pulled away, and just looked at him. She sat there staring at him for about five minutes before leaning into him, and saying, "Yes. I want to be your friend."

Right as he released her, Teresa, the therapist ran in and screamed, "Derek Shepherd, what do you think you are doing? You know you are not allowed in another patients room, do you want to go into isolation? Away from the group therapy and without a roommate?" Derek looked down at the floor looking defeated before he raised his head and said,

"No ma'am I do not. I am truly sorry for doing this, but she looked so broken yesterday and today. It won't happen again. Please don't put me in isolation. Please." He pleaded with her before getting off Meredith's bed and walking back to his room, defeated. Once returning to his room, he pulled out his diary, black with a red border, and started writing. He wrote anything and everything that came to his head. From missing the scotch, the knife, to Meredith. The part about her was the longest, he was partially grateful for the diary because the therapists did not read them, it was their escape. After writing for a good 45 minutes, Derek went down the corridor to the therapy room for his individual session.

"So tell me Derek, how was today? On a scale of 1-10?" This therapist was a tidy woman. No older than 30, not as sweet as Teresa, but not rude.

"8. It's always an 8. I still miss the cutting. I miss the scotch. I miss my father. Life's so hard, and even though it's been 6 years, every day the cut reopens. Especially when I wake up here and remember letting my family down, I just wish everything would go away and I'd be gone." If anyone looked at Derek Shepherd, they'd see the broken-ness in his eyes, the deep sadness that seemed unfixable to everyone, that he would be this way forever. That's how he saw it, without his dad he was doomed to a life of depression. He honestly did not know how to get himself healthy again…

"Okay Derek, let's focus on what's important, you're alive. No matter how much you want to die, no matter how much you plot your death, and no matter how much you want to do anything like this.. You haven't, you are still here. I don't know what's keeping you here but I hope it doesn't leave you." Emily said this to Derek while trying to read his face, which was very hard.

"You and me both Emily, I hope it never leaves me either. I can't lose anything else, I can't be alone again. But I'm scared because everything has been taken from me recently and I don't see myself recovering. How am I supposed to function as a normal person once I'm discharged? What am I supposed to do next?" He became more and more broken with every word; he fell into a deeper pit of sadness and depression with each passing day. He honestly did not believe in himself.

"Well Derek, we will have to cross that road when it comes to us, won't we? We can't predict the future as much as I want to, as much as I wished I could tell you it will all be okay in the end. But I can't, all I can say is that you are a strong man, you have been through so much and even though you have had a rough patch, you will come through and become an amazing husband and father."

"No. I will never become a father; I will never have a child that could possibly go through what I am now. I don't even think I could get married after this; I don't want to break anyone. My father never meant to leave us early but he did, and I could never do this to another person. No matter if I meant to or not." Admitting this made Derek break down into tears, something he was all to used to by now. "I… I just… I miss him so much. Why did they have to do this to me?"

"Derek, I don't know why this happened to you. I don't know how to fix this. Honestly, but all I can say to you is, just because tragic things happened to you doesn't mean that it will always be like this or that you will pass it down because you would never let that happen. You are so caring to everyone, especially Meredith Grey." Hearing her name made him look up in shock. Did people already know they were friends? Because the therapists always tried to sneak in info that would make the kids spill, but Derek was smarter than this so he looked at the clock, got up and said, "Meredith Grey is none of your business. Especially if I care for her or not, so please… back off. We are not doing anything that goes against any rules; we aren't even bending them so chill." With this, he got up and left the room. Derek passed Meredith on his way back and when she saw his tear stained cheeks and his red face, she pulled him aside…

"Derek, what's wrong?"

"This damn place. I hate it so much, I want to leave! I hate my life and I hate these therapists."

Meredith was taken aback, partially feeling hurt because she was here and she thought he was her friend but since he hated everything here, she should detach herself from him before it got worse. "Oh, um.. I'm sorry. I hate that you hate everything, I'll see you around." With that Meredith walked off wiping the tears that began to fall from her eyes. Derek himself was very confused by what upset her so much, and once he figured it out he had to find her. He looked all over their hall and passed her room about 5 times, after 45 minutes he was about to give up when he heard a soft sob coming from the closet right next to him. Opening the door, he saw a fragile dirty blonde girl in front of him.

"Oh Meredith, what is wrong?" He asked while pulling her into his arms and closing the door, praying no one saw.

"No..Nothi..Nothing. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I tried to make you happier because you are so hurt and we're here together, because we need to get healthy, but you hate everything here and I'm here, so I was trying to detach myself to soften the blow later on." She had a hard time talking in between sobs.

"Meredith, when I said that I was talking about my life. Not my friendship with you, that's about the only thing I do like. Which is why I don't care if we get caught, I want people to know we are friends, I want them to know you are the reason I'm alive right now because ever since you were admitted and we met when you bumped into me, then when we got in the same group for therapy… I've wanted to be your friend. So please don't detach yourself from me. I need you." He said this and squeezed her tighter.

"I need you too, you're my only friend here. The only one who would do something like this for me. Thank you so much, I'm hoping I'm as good for you as you are for me, but I know I'm not."

"Meredith, don't you understand? You are ALL I have here. Of course you are so amazing to me; I have nothing else to look forward to. I don't care if we get in trouble because nothing will keep me from being here for you." He picked the two of them up, hugged her and she turned to look at him.

"Thank you so much." She told him before burying herself into his chest and leaning all her weight onto him.

"Hey are you okay?" He was concerned about her more than himself.

"Yeah, my body is still so weak. I'm gonna walk back to my room and take a nap before group. I'll see you later?"

"Definitely." He gave her one more hug before she was on her way, slowly making it to her room with Teresa's assistance. After reaching her room she slowly cried herself to sleep thinking about where she was and why she was here.

**A/N: So I'm ecstatic that everyone loves this! it's very different I know, but the feedback is awesome. I'm pretty proud that I got two updates in one night! So next chapter, more group therapy and Meredith's individual. it's going to be dark for a while, just because I really want to dive deep into their issues because these issues and the trust that will form is what will make the relationship so solid later. Review maybe? I should have another update tonight.(It's 1:55am here, I call it today. ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, for chapter 3 I decided to use an event that actually happened to me when I was a young lassie. I thought I should do this because there is a lot of myself in both of these characters so why not. I'm glad everyone is enjoying this story! In this chapter Meredith goes to individual therapy and there is a group session. There may even be a MD chat again? It will either be in this chapter or within the next few. Their chats are hard to write in because I know in real rehab centers the keep boys and girls separate. Enough of my chatting… Enjoy!**

"You know, my entire life, not matter what my mother did or said to me I always yearned for her approval. There was something in me that needed her acceptance and no matter what happened, at the end of the day I craved her love. I craved her attention and I never really knew why. One day I went to my aunt's house for the day because my mother had to work a triple shift and I had the flu, I was the one to call my aunt seeing as how my mother could care less. When I got there, I laid down to take a nap, but I was flooded with this nightmare I had never had before.

In this nightmare, my mother, my aunt, my cousin, and I were all riding in the car. I was about two years old and my mother was coddling my cousin in the front seat while my aunt drove and I sat in the back. We were going to Chuck-E-Cheese I believe, and I started crying from the back seat saying, 'Mommy, mommy, hold me!' My aunt turned around when we reached a stop light and said, 'Just a minute Mer, it'll be okay. We can pull over then you and Cassie can switch spots, okay?' Only for my mother to turn her back around and adding, 'Don't do that. Meredith is just jealous; she just needs to shut up. Okay Meredith, shut up!' I stopped crying each time, because that's when I woke up." Meredith relayed her nightmare to Jessie, her therapist, choking up a few times because of what she was about to reveal.

"Okay Meredith that sounds like a really bad dream, why do you think it happened?" Jessie was a nice woman, at about 40 years old she looked no older than 30. She had jet black hair, piercing green eyes, and a smile that would drive any man crazy. She was highly patient and understanding which is why she joined the Springwood team.

"Because it actually happened." Meredith whispered, the misery in her voice evident. "Stuff like this happened throughout my childhood; my mother loved Cassie. Every chance she had off, she would visit Cassie, buy her presents, and take her to fun places. When I begged to go, my mother simply said, 'No. Jealousy doesn't suit you, so straighten up and your nanny Susan will be here shortly. Behave.' I never understood what made Cassie so special to her, so I did what I knew how to do, I tried to become a better daughter. I did everything I could, especially since she blamed me for my father leaving us. I never knew why, but for some reason I was the cause of all her problems." Again, Meredith looked to the floor and twiddled her thumbs. She was never good at the whole therapy thing.

"Oh Meredith, I am so sorry. From the stories you've told me it seems like your mother resents you because your father left. You don't really believe it's your fault do you?" Jessie flashed a sympathetic smile but Meredith didn't buy it.

"Of course it's my fault, I'm not completely sure how but it is my fault. It's my fault he left and it's my fault Richard left my mother. She always said she wished she never had a daughter. You know she even told me jail would be better than living with me?" Reliving the memories made Meredith choke up but she refused to show a weakness to her therapist. She never cried in front of people, her mother always told her it was a weakness but for some reason she was okay crying in front of Derek. She wasn't sure why, but she had a gut feeling that Derek was good for her, well he would be. She needed him and he needed her, they were a team.

"Meredith, it was not your fault. You cannot help the fact that you were born. You deserve so much more; you are such a bright young woman who is going places. Meredith Grey, you will take the world by a storm." Jessie reached out to Meredith and pulled her into a tight hug, even though the rules stated 'You do not get personal with a patient.' She didn't care, all she knew was this young lady was a broken mess who needed to be fixed. She needed to become happy. Once Jessie released her Meredith stood up to leave but stopped to say,

"Thank you Jessie. I know you are not supposed to get personal with us basket cases, but it meant a lot.. Correction, it means a lot that you care." Meredith was met with a genuine smile as she left the room and headed to the cafeteria to be force fed yet again. She seriously just wanted to run to her room and sleep but if she didn't show up for lunch she would get in some serious trouble.

Making her way down the corridor to the lunch hall, she saw a familiar face among a group of boys talking about last night's game. How could she miss those raven curls and those bright blue eyes? He was about to head towards her when he saw Teresa approaching so he settled for giving her a smile and a nod, which she returned before following Teresa to hell.

"So T, what's on the menu for today? If you love me it'll be water or a nice nap." It wasn't that Meredith was having a "fat day" she just honestly wanted to sleep, sleeping seemed to make everything better.

"Now Meredith, what kind of therapist would I be if I fed your disorder? No pun intended of course." She replied, giving Meredith a wink. "I'm thinking today it will be pizza and fries. How does that sound?"

"It sounds like you want me to be a fat cow forever." Meredith snapped. Teresa gave Meredith a genuine look of shock, and Meredith recanted with, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I just came from individual and you know how well I do with shrinks." She said flashing a smile. "You know, pizza sounds pretty damn good, but only if you eat some too."

"Meredith Grey, do not curse with me here. You know better."

"Sorry mom."

"So, pizza and maybe you'll tell me what happened in individual?" Teresa was avoiding the mom subject though she knew that's what they would talk about.

"Do I have to?" Meredith hated therapy in the first place so why should she talk about it all over again? This time she didn't think she'd make it without crying but when Teresa gave her a look she simply said, "Fine. But I'm only sharing what I feel comfortable with."

"Of course Meredith." Teresa knew Meredith would end up telling her everything, probably interrupted by sobs every now and again, but she knew Meredith had more to share. The two went off into the lunch hall, got their pizza, and talked for the entire 30 minutes allowed for lunch before taking their separate ways; Meredith to her and Derek's secret spot, and Teresa to her office. By the time Meredith got to the secret spot, Derek was asleep.

"Derek, get up." She whispered while tugging on his shirt.

"Hmmph, iwannasleep. Whoisit?" He mumbled incoherently, but once he sensed that it was Meredith's presence he felt, his eyes shot open and he pulled her into a hug. "Sorry I fell asleep, I came straight here after you went to lunch."

"It's totally okay, I promise. I'm even a little jealous." She replied with a wink. "Anyways, you got to hear me cry and be a baby yesterday so today it's your turn."

"Actually we kind of took turns." He started to say, earning him a look he didn't quite understand. It was a mix of desperation, the usual depression, and something else. "Okay fine. I don't really know what to say, except I miss my scotch. It numbed everything for me, when I drank I didn't miss my dad as much because when I was drunk he was there with me. It sounds crazy and more like drugs, but it was the alcohol. He would come to me telling me my life was taking a downward spiral he didn't want to see me take. I knew then that even in death, I was a.. a… failure." Derek ended and hung his head, too embarrassed for her to see him breakdown even though she had seen it before.

She replied by lifting his chin and simply saying, "It's okay. I know it hurts and I know you're used to being numb. I am too, but if we want to get out of this hell hole, we have to get better and we can't fake it as much as I want to. I honestly want to get better."

"Me too Meredith, me too." His face was even with her, and he almost went in to kiss her but she pulled him into a comforting hug, completely unaware of what he wanted to do. She clung to him like he clung to her, they were all each other had in this world it seemed. Derek felt like too much of a failure to be around his family and Meredith's mother never cared.

"We should go, group is soon." They released each other, only to realize both had tears streaming down their faces which made them stand up and embrace each other one last time before heading to group therapy. It was a miracle they hadn't gotten caught, well they had a few times, but no one thought they were dumb enough to keep it going after being caught just about 6 times so people stopped looking. Once they got to group therapy, there was a surprise for everyone: A Party!

Teresa looked at the skeptical looks on the kids and started by saying, "One of us is leaving today. Bradley has completed his required time here and has passed all of our health tests meaning he gets to transfer into outpatient therapy. This is a huge step for him, so I thought we would take a break and celebrate. If anyone wants to still talk, Jessie is here and she will gladly talk to anyone of you. No one wants to go? I was hoping that would happen, okay everyone let's enjoy this day and celebrate Bradley's success." All the kids broke into groups of about 2 or 3, Meredith and Derek stayed in the center of the room so nothing looked suspicious.

"Looks like we don't have to be all dark and twisty today. We can actually act normal." Meredith said with a smile, not noticing Derek's expression change. His eyes had gone a dark indigo and he became stiff. "Derek what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I have to go." he snapped before getting up and walking to Teresa. The two talked for about 5 minutes before Derek returned saying, "I can't be here. At this party, it'll break me." before walking out of the room. This random mood change made Meredith kick into gear, she went to Jessie asking to be excused saying she was tired. Jessie walked Meredith to her room and stood outside the door for about 5 minutes making sure she didn't leave to see Derek or anyone else. When Meredith didn't come out, Jessie returned to the party and Meredith went looking for Derek. She searched his hallway, knocked on his room door, and when she was met with no response she went to their spot not thinking he would be there but because she needed privacy, she needed to think. What she saw would shock her to her very core.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd! What the hell have you done to yourself? What are you thinking?" She screamed at the top of her lungs even though she knew he couldn't hear. Her entire body began shaking as she began to see, truly take in, what was right in front of her. Somehow, Derek had snuck into Teresa's office, got her letter opener, pen, and paper and wrote a letter before slitting his wrists. Meredith didn't understand what happened at that party that drove him to giving up everything he was working towards, what could've made him decide to give up yet again? Meredith saw the note, read it, clutched it to her chest. On this piece of paper explained everything, he wrote all of this in about 10 minutes, but his cuts were fresh, about 3 minutes old.

Meredith went into panic mode, yelling down the hallway for someone, anyone to come help her. She was scared, he couldn't die. Derek Shepherd could not die on her, she needed him. She could not live without him, and he was on the floor slowly dying. Her only ally in this world was dying, and there was nothing she could do. Suddenly she felt nauseated and the next thing she knew, she was back in the hospital barely alive, which was weird because she didn't do anything to try to die. She wished she did, because this probably meant Derek died and she was alone, again. She started to cry for about 5 minutes until she looked over and saw him in the bed next to her. He was asleep, and barely had a pulse, but he was alive. Someone had to have found him; she just had to hope that they found him in time. Looking over she saw the note next to her, which meant someone else read it and knew why he did this. She wished she hid it better because this reason was horrible and heart breaking. All she knew is that when he woke up, if he woke up, she would be there to soften the blow. Especially since a trip to the hospital earned you another 3-6 months at Springwood, she felt her eyes droop and sleep was creeping up on her, she wondered what happened to her but the thought quickly left her mind as she instantly fell back asleep, hoping Derek would be awake next time she was.

**A/N: So, the part that included me was in the beginning. The car thing, only it was my mom holding my sister(Cassie) and my step mom driving. Anywho, Derek attempted suicide. The contents of the letter will be revealed, but basically it had to do with his father. The party brought up such a bad memory, he couldn't bare it. You'll find out he didn't immediately give up, but this memory wouldn't go away. Oh, and Meredith, you'll find out what happened to her too. Next few updates things will unfold and MerDer's friendship will only strengthen. It's just going to take some time… Review? **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: At first I was going to wait a few days and let the reviews rise a bit, but I can't sleep and I'm bored so why not? Umm a few things first, I love that people like the story, at first I was scared people would hate it because it's so different. Second, thanks for all the I'm Sorry's. I'll probably have a lot of my own experiences in this story but I'll tell you ahead of time. Third, don't worry I won't kill Derek. I would never be able to. I love him too much. ;) And lastly, thank you for even reading this story. It means a lot to me. :D Enjoy and I really do love reviews, even if it's saying "this one wasn't so good" or whatever, even tips on things you want to see happen. It all helps. Haha.**

"Derek, what are you doing?" A masculine voice said to him as he woke up. Only he wasn't in the clinic, or the hospital, he didn't know where he was.

"Pop? Is that you?" Derek asked, bewildered. "Does this mean it worked? Am I… you know.."

"Dead? No son, you're not dead. You are almost dead though, I need you to fight. I know what happened to you at that party, what you felt but you can't leave this world. Not yet." Derek's father said, pulling him into a hug.

"But dad, I can't do it anymore. Even after 6 years the smallest things send the flashbacks forward. That party, it reminded me of the day you died. How we were just running up to the store to get ma's gift. You died on your 20th wedding anniversary, the party at therapy reminded me of the party we just left. Especially when Teresa pretty much repeated what Aunt Jillian said, 'Come on everyone, this is a monumental celebration for the entire family.' I couldn't do it. So I wrote Meredith a note, begging that she forgive me, and I did it."

"I know Derek. I watched it happen from here. The girl, Meredith… she's in the bed next to you. Crying her eyes out every time a nurse comes in and says there are no changes."

"WHAT? Dad, how did she get here? She didn't… you know.." Derek couldn't finish the sentence; his body was flooded with guilt. He remembered the promise he made to Meredith and how he was breaking it. "Did she try to join me?" He whispered into his father's chest.

"No. She was trying to find help, but since she was overcoming an eating disorder her body is weak. After she found you, the stress that was added to her was too much. She collapsed in the hallway. A child found her; got Jessie, then Jessie found the note and found you. After that you were transported to the hospital."

"Dad, if I'm not dead, why am I here?"

"You are in a coma son. You lost a lot of blood, they did transfusions and everything, you just have to fight. That's the only way you will make it."

"What if I don't want to make it? What if I want to stay with you?" Derek asked, knowing it couldn't happen. It would not only destroy his entire family, but Meredith. How would Meredith go on without him? Sure she was incredibly strong, but right now, she needed someone. She told him that she needed him so badly it hurt her. He knew he couldn't leave.

"Derek, you know this can't happen. You have to." Michael Shepherd replied to his son, knowing full well that Derek knew he couldn't die. Not yet anyways. "Son, I know it kills you having me gone. You don't have a male figure in your life and we were very close. I know how this pains you, I see it and I feel it. But, you can't do this to yourself or our family anymore. And you especially cannot do this to that girl."

"I know dad, but it hurts so bad. I can't always bear it. What am I supposed to do?" Derek was in tears now, and even though he was in a coma at the hospital, a lone tear fell down his cheek. Unnoticed by all.

"You fight it. You are a strong young man Derek. You will go very far in this life, as long as a)you fight, and b) you marry that girl."

"Marry Meredith?" Derek was in complete shock at this statement, but he couldn't deny his feelings for her. Marriage was a huge step that he didn't know if he'd ever take.

"Not now, maybe not anytime soon, but you need that girl. You love her, I can tell. You see things in black and white. She doesn't, you need that in your life. When you are ready for it, I want you to ask your mother for her ring. But only if it is for Meredith Grey." Michael was welling up at the thought of his beautiful wife Carolyn. He missed her so much. "And you tell your mother how much I love her. Can you do that?"

"Yes dad, I can do that. Does all this mean I have to leave you now?"

"I believe it does. Now fight Derek, fight like hell. See those doors?" Derek nodded that he saw them and Michael said, "Good. Run through them, it will bring you out of the coma and you'll be alive. Trust me on this. I love you son." Tears streaming down Michael's cheeks, he hugged his son as tight as possible before releasing him and telling him to run.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

Meredith bowed her head down again, sobbing uncontrollably now. Derek slipped into a coma earlier from the blood loss and she thought he would die. He promised her he wouldn't die and here he was almost dead. Every time the nurse came in to check his vitals, she would slowly shake her head and Meredith would breakdown. Physically, Meredith was getting better. Her body was very weak and the stress made it worse so she had to stay for a week until she got healthy. Emotionally, she was a human traffic accident. The boy she thought she loved was dying and he would never know how she felt. They would never have the after-therapy-relationship. Not if he died. She leaned over and grabbed the letter one more time reading it with tears rolling freely down her face…

_Meredith,_

_If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I am so sorry I broke all my promises to you, I just couldn't do it. That party, reminded me of the day my father died. It was my parents' anniversary and we ran up there to get my mother's gift. It was like in my head, I was reliving that night and I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. All the pain. I'm sorry I am leaving you, you were the only thing that made me feel better. I will miss you terribly. __I love…__ sorry about that mark out._

_Derek._

He started to write "I love" something. But what was it? She had to know, if only he would wake up. Right as this thought left her mind, she heard him choking. His head turning left and right, she started shaking like crazy and yelling "NURSE! NURSE! COME IN HERE!" From reading all of the medical textbooks as a child, she knew he was fighting intubation and was coming out of his coma. Meredith never thought this moment would happen and all she could do was lay back and close her eyes. She could not watch the events that were unfolding, even though she knew they were good, this was the bad before the good part. As soon as the nurse finished, she walked over to Meredith and tapped her on the shoulder saying,

"Meredith? Mr. Shepherd is asking for you to lift up so he can have a word." A small smile came about the woman's face as she saw Meredith's features light up. Derek was alive, awake, and wanting to talk to her. She sat up and leaned over to see him.

"Hey." He said in a raspy voice.

"Don't you ever do that again. Don't you ever leave me Derek Christopher Shepherd. You are not allowed to scare me like that. You know how badly I need you, how much I've come to realize that I.." She trailed off not wanting to tell him her newfound feelings for him which developed almost rapidly as she had to try and picture her life without him. He looked confused and slightly understanding.

"I know. I am so sorry." He replied, looking away from her. He couldn't face her after what he did, the guilt washed over him, which caused her to get out of her bed, not caring what the rules said and closed the space between them.

"You do not get to feel guilty about this. I understand, okay I don't, but you can tell me and then I will. We'll be okay. Okay?" She flashed a sympathetic and understanding smile his way.

"Okay. Can I have a hug, if you're not too weak."

"I'm fine compared to you. Worry about you, I'll let the doctors worry about me, deal?" She said as she attempted to wrap her arms around him.

"Deal. Again, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Crap, your mom and Teresa are coming. I have to get to bed."

"Okay." He said, watching Meredith attempt to walk the 5 feet to her bed, almost collapsing from weakness. Luckily Teresa rushed in and caught her before she fell.

"Meredith, what are you doing? Trying to fall again?"

"No T, I went to the bathroom. I'm sorry." Meredith said, climbing into bed slowly.

"Okay, well be more careful. You know the doctors are supposed to help you." She said, totally not buying Meredith's story, especially since Derek was awake. "Mrs. Shepherd, I'll give you a minute with your son."

"Thank you." The woman sweetly replied before collapsing into a chair and grabbing her son's hand and saying, "Derek. Why?"

"I don't want to talk about it. But I saw dad, and he told me I needed to fight and stay alive for you all and for…" He couldn't tell his mom about Meredith, though she knew. He didn't know she knew but apparently everyone except Meredith and Derek could see they liked each other… A lot. "He said to remind you he loves you and he misses you." He said stroking her hand.

"Oh Derek." The old-ish woman said before breaking down into sobs. "I don't know what I would have done if you died." She admitted honestly.

"I know ma. I'm so sorry. It will NEVER happen again. I promise I will fight forever. Especially since I have more than my family to fight for." He said, throwing a loving look towards Meredith who was fast asleep. He really knew now that he loved her. He couldn't deny it, but he couldn't tell her. Not yet, not after all this. But he would find a way to tell her. Soonish. Until then, he had to fight for everything, prove he meant what he said, to everyone. And he would, no matter what it took. His family was everything to him, and now, so was Meredith. He could no longer see his life without her, which scared him because he vowed never to feel this way. Never to risk having someone feel his pain if he were to die like his father, but he couldn't help it. Not with Meredith, she was too special to pass up. And he was on the road to recovery, with her by his side. Fighting her own demons.

**A/N: So, what do we think? I tried to make the Shepherd men's talk as long as possible, but I felt it was right to end there. Also, they love each other, but they are both WAY too fragile to admit it and start something. So it will be a while before a relationship forms. Reviews make my days better.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry this took WAY longer than normal. I haven't had a laptop… But here is chapter 5. It's going to be MerDer group therapy, since they have to stay at the hospital for a while, and it's another personal event that happened to me in like the 5****th**** grade. The whole memories of the childhoods will get lighter soonish, I just am trying to dive way deep into who they are but I know you can't have too much angst before people lose interest. Which is why I try to break it up with some romance. Hope you've all been enjoying so far. Oh! Last thing… Someone didn't like the whole Derek/Michael thing, I had that in there because I wanted to find a way to show their bond and how much he truly loved his father.. Okay I'll shut up now…**

"You know T, we don't have to do this here. Why don't we take a break and just enjoy each other's company?" Meredith winked. Things had been going good the past few days. Derek was recovering; Meredith was gaining weight slowly and getting stronger, slowly but surely.

"I agree with Mer. I say we chill today. Watch a movie or something." Derek agreed. His and Meredith's friendship had grown pretty strong within the last few weeks; they talked every night after visiting hours ended and didn't go to sleep until the nurses forced them to and threatened to call Teresa. They were becoming best friends, able to tell each other anything and everything.

"Now you kids know it is a part of your treatment to undergo this therapy. I know you both hate it and I'm sorry, but we just want the two of you to get better. Okay? Meredith why don't you start with something from your past that you still think about."

"Okay. I got something. Umm, I never took my mother as the slapping kind. She may yell and call me names, but I never thought she'd hit me. You know? Anyways, I had just gotten out of my jazz dance class and I had an hour break before hip hop. This was one of the rare days my mother decided to take me to and from classes, and even took me for dinner. Anywho, she took me to this place called Ziggy's wings and after we ordered and were waiting for our food we were talking. Well I guess I said something she didn't like, she said I back talked her, because next thing I knew her hand flew up and then I fell out of my chair. After picking myself up off the floor looking embarrassed and rubbing my cheek, I shyly looked at the cashier lady and she looked at me like I deserved it! That made me feel even more embarrassed, after that I pretty much sat there playing trivia and ate until it was time to go. Then my mother dropped me off at dance and left for the hospital. Never came back that night." As Meredith admitted this she hung her head in defeat. She hated talking about her past but knew it was the only way to get better.

"Oh wow Meredith, I'm sorry. You know you didn't deserve that right?"

"Yeah, sure whatever. Can Derek go now?" The Meredith shut down and throw up walls was starting to occur and everyone knew to just let it happen because as hard as they fought, they stayed up until she got comfortable. This was true to everyone but Derek. He knew how to get her to talk and feel better.

"Sure Mer I'll go." He said offering a supportive smile. "So… something I remember still huh? I guess I could talk about my father's funeral because all of my problems originate from his death. He was a huge idol to me. Anyways, the funeral. One of the worst days of my life, basically everyone was crying all day. I had to be strong; I had to shut down my emotions to be there for everyone. It was so hard, I wanted to break down with them but as the new man of the house I couldn't." Derek closed his eyes as he relived the memory.

"I remember so well because this was the first day I cut. I knew I couldn't break down, so when I felt tears coming on, right after the funeral, and I ran to the bathroom and punched the wall but when that didn't work I grabbed the razor and sliced my arm. It was like all my pains went away as I felt the skin tear apart. I ran down stairs telling my mother I fell and sliced it open, so she bandaged me up and I kept going. 6 years later here I am." As he opened his eyes, you could see the unshed tears pooling up in his eyes. This caused Meredith to get up and hug him, not caring that Teresa was there.

"Meredith, you know the rules." Teresa said sternly.

"I know, but right now, I don't care. He is in pain, don't you see that? You can't ban us from comforting each other. It's how we grow and get healthy as people, we NEED physical contact." She stated just as sternly while squeezing Derek tighter. "It'll be okay" she whispered before getting back in her bed.

"Okay, I understand that Meredith, but no further than a quick hug okay?" She hinted a small smile at Meredith's strong maternal instincts.

"Aye aye captain!" She stated rebelliously.

"Well, Derek, you know now that you don't have to be strong all the time? You're allowed to be weak sometimes right? And even when you feel like you need to be strong, you don't need to cut to make yourself feel better okay?"

"I know I can't cut anymore. I haven't in about 3 months. That's a huge step. Well 3 months not counting this time. I honestly do not have the urge to anymore. I have something to live for now. Too much to lose." He said lovingly, stealing a glance in Meredith's direction who was blushing now.

"Okay, as long as you know that." She stated, noticing the glance but ignoring it. She knew they needed each other right now and though it was against the rules, she wouldn't interfere; unless it got too far and then she would intervene.

"Ma'am, I know you have special privileges, but the doctors need to check on these two and then it's lunch time." The nurse sweetly said.

"Okay, we just finished up here. Goodbye Meredith, Goodbye Derek. You are both due for release back to Springwood within the next week or two if everything works out."

"Okay!" They said simultaneously and after passing the checkups and getting their lunches, they spent the entire day laughing and talking until it was dinner time, and both went to bed early after having some fun in the kids' area. Things were finally looking up for these two because if they both did extremely well within the next 5 months, they would be out of Springwood and could finally explore a relationship together.

**A/N: Okay, I know this one was shorter than normal.. but I didn't have the plot fully brain stormed for this chapter and once I got to this point, I didn't want to drag it out with improvisation that would probably suck. I hope y'all liked it, I tried to equal the angst with happiness. Hha. Oh, if you didn't guess the event at Ziggy's happened to me. Ziggy's has been out of business for a while now, not too sure why… anywho. Review? :DDD**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay, so I know it seems like I totally abandoned this story.. but I promise I haven't. My laptop broke, so I tried using my dad's for a while, and then he started never being home like my step mom, so I was screwed… Now, I'm waiting for a new laptop and I just decided to steal my sister's laptop. She's just going to have to get over it. Okay, enough of my excuses… here's chapter 6. Comments always help! Oh, lastly.. my goal is to be on chapter 10 by tomorrow. It's gonna be a LOOOONG night I know because I want them GOOD!. ;) Okay.. for real here you go!**

The last 2 weeks Meredith and Derek spent in the hospital were both grueling and exciting. They had made leaps and bounds in their health. Meredith was almost at a healthy weight and Derek had regained all the blood he lost. Things were looking up. The only bad thing was the intensity of their growing relationship and having to hide it…

"Meredith, Derek, you two are heading back to Springwood today since you passed your final exams. Let's pack you up and get you out." Nurse Jackie smiled at the pair.

"How about you turn your head and we will just some how escape." Meredith joked. "I mean you said yourself that we were fine."

"I agree with the lady." Derek added in. "She normally gets what she wants." He mock whispered, "She's scary!" This made Meredith smack him in the chest before they broke out into laughter.

"I am not scary! And you know what? I think I want to go back to Springwood. Let him escape." Meredith laughed before seeing Teresa and going to greet her.

"Who's wanting to escape?" She said sternly.

"No one. No one at all. We both are highly excited to go back and resume our treatment." Derek said, going into suck up mode. He tended to do that to keep them out of trouble, and though Teresa laughed like it was stupid, it worked.

Teresa liked these two, she could see that they would be in each other's life for a long long time to come. Since her job requirements said 'No relationships' she couldn't allow anything to happen. But these two only had about one month left, so something was bound to happen eventually.

"Let's go. Now." Teresa knew if she used a certain tone she could get anyone to cower in fear, and that is exactly what they did. "You two may be getting better physically, but we still have a lot of work to do in the next month. That is if you two still want out."

"Of course we do T!" Meredith cheered. She was the only patient to call her T, and they were close. Especially since Meredith was the only patient without family who visited or called.

"I want out yesterday!" Derek smiled. "Do I still have a roommate?"

"No you don't actually. It's just you. You're lucky, Meredith has a new roommate. I think you will like her."

"WHAT? A new roommate? What happened to Carol? I liked her!"

"She got out. Your new roommate is Cristina Yang. Her father died about 7 years ago, and she's been in and out of trouble for about 3 years. About a week ago, she finally broke. You'll learn more when we get back."

"Hmph. Fine. Let's just go, I'm starving." Meredith said before going to get in the van. "What's for lunch?"

"How does pizza sticks sound?"

"I'm guessing at the facility?"

"Smart girl." Teresa smiled as Derek climbed in the back seat and Teresa got in and started driving.

"Why? All I want is a coke and some pasta from Olive Garden. Can you give a girl that?"

"Maybe in a few days when we do the family luncheon."

"A.. what?" Meredith said, her mood dropping faster than an egg frying in 110 degree weather.

"Yes, it's a luncheon for all the patients and their families. But since I know your mother won't show, I called, I'm going to get you your Olive Garden. Okay?"

"Okay…" She replied, lifting her head up but still hurt.

"Hey, you can meet my family." Derek added with a smile. "You can even sit with us."

"Family? Me, meet family?" This was highly scary, something Derek noticed.

"Just as my friend, maybe even just my therapy partner. It'll be okay, promise." As soon as he said this, he could see and feel Meredith's fears disappearing and a smile spreading across her face.

"Okay, I can do that." She quickly wiped the smile off her face when she saw Teresa turn to look at them. "What? Sorry, no friendships allowed right?" She spat sarcastically.

"Is someone popping an attitude?"

"No mom, I'm not." She said sarcastically before getting a glare and a threat of sitting in her room the rest of the day.

Once they got back to Springwood, Derek went to individual therapy, while Meredith went to lunch.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"I need to tell you something Jamie." Derek said while pacing around the room.

"Derek you can tell me anything. You know that. Why don't you sit down and we'll talk."

"You can't tell Teresa. You have to promise!"

"Okay, I promise. I promise, it's in my contract unless you're suicidal or wanting to hurt someone else here."

"No, no. Nothing like that. I just, I think I'm in love." He said before plopping into the chair burying his head in his hands.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"So my mother really said she wouldn't come?" Meredith said as she ate her pizza sticks.

"I'm sorry, I know you wanted her there. You want her to care, I understand. Your mother just doesn't strike me as that kind of woman. I know this sucks to hear, but I honestly think things will not get better." Teresa replied

"What? How can you go passing judgment on my mother? You do not know her at all, so what gives you the RIGHT to say a single thing about her?" She said angrily.

"Meredith, you know what I meant. I know that you still have this image in your head of who you want her to be, and it's not going to happen. I am trying to help you realize this. You need to realize your mother is not who you want her to be. Okay? You need to get out of this delusion."

"I KNOW MY MOTHER DOESN'T CARE! You don't think I know this? That I don't spend everyday regretting being alive because neither one of my parents give a shit? That when all of the other kids get phone calls and visits, or they get to leave because they have been good and their families miss them. Do you think I live in some bubble of fake happiness?

Because I don't! There is not one OUNCE of happy left in me. I have no fight left in me over anything. And the day I get out of this god forsaken place is the day I go back to living alone. Being abused on the days my mother is home. Attempting to eat normally so I don't come back! Honestly, I cannot wait until the day I leave, because I'm so sick of your sympathy and I am so sick of you commenting on a woman you do not know. I think we're done here."

"Maybe we are. But I want you to know one thing Meredith Grey, I do not pity you. I sympathize because you are young and have been through a lot, but I look at you like I look at my coworkers." Teresa said back before Meredith ran off into her room.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"So you're in love. With who?" Jamie said, knowing the answer. Everyone knew, except these two. Well, it looked like one of them figured it out. Moment of truth, time to see if Derek would finally admit his love for Meredith.

"Urm, you know, maybe it's best if I don't tell you, I could get in trouble.. she could get in trouble- well she couldn't I doubt she loves me back. But I love her so"

"Meredith Grey. Derek, it's not that hard to say her name. We all know. You two don't hide it well." Jamie smiled when she saw Derek's face light up and his heart flutter.

"You all know? She loves me too? How do you know?" He said, beaming. She loved him, or so everyone thought. Just one month until he could find out for himself.

"Derek, I'm a therapist. It's pretty much saying I'm a P.I of the mind. I know everything" Jamie smirked.

"Wow, so she loves me." He said lost in his daze, then realizing where he was he snapped out of it. "I mean… uhm." He was at a loss for words.

"Your secret is safe with me. Don't worry, but just know there can be no interaction at all until you are both out of here. You understand? If there is, I will have to step in."

"I know. I know. Don't worry, she hasn't even said anything close to that about me. I can't even touch this subject with her yet. She's fragile. Even more now. I can't bring it up not yet. She's like a deer in the head lights. I know I'm repeating everything over and over using different words, but I don't know how to word it. I just, I can see right through her, like she can with me. But she runs easily. I don't want to mess anything up."

"So slow? As in, you wait at least a month to tell her you have any kind of feelings for her?"

"Maybe even slower." He smiled.

"Well then it looks like we have an understanding. I won't tell if you make no moves while you're here. Now, it seems like you've made huge amounts of progress."

"It's her. She's saved me. I don't know how to tell you, but she closes the aching hole in my shallow empty organ called a heart. When I'm with her, I feel so alive. Like as long as I have her, I will be okay. She heals me, and makes me so happy."

"I'm happy for you Derek. But I need to know if there is any part of you that feels the pain. I mean, I know you always will, but I need to make sure you are really okay, and that you're not blinded by love." Jamie said, looking deep into his eyes looking for some stitch of false happiness and him hiding his pain… to her surprise she found nothing.

Nothing but happiness and love in his eyes. That admiration, and healing. He really was getting better. Thanks to Meredith, she would never admit anything and would laugh it off if anyone tried to tell her, but it was true. Meredith Grey brought the life back into Derek Shepherd. It's like he was drowning and she saved him.

He would make it his life goal to save her as well. Even though she could save herself and really didn't need anyone's help, he wanted to save her. He wanted to love her. Spend his entire life showing her that she was loveable, perfect, and deserved the world.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

After leaving Teresa in the cafeteria, Meredith ran to her room, sat on her bed then ran out. She couldn't see where she was going or who she passed because her eyes were clouded by tears. She didn't stop running until she got to the courtyard that the kids were allowed to go to for free time. Once she got outside, she sunk against the farthest wall and just let her tears fall. She let herself feel everything she had been bottling up the past 6 years. She was too absorbed in these feelings and thoughts she didn't see the brown haired boy come sit by her.

With an extremely worried look on his face, Derek scooped Meredith into his arms and tried to soothe her. Stroking her hair and rubbing circles on her back until she stopped crying. She then turned and looked up at him, looking more broken than he had ever seen her.

"What happened?" He breathed, just earlier that day they were laughing and having fun. Now she was a mess.

"I.. I.. I just, I don't know. My mother doesn't love me. She doesn't, Teresa was right. I'm living in a delusional fantasy world where my mother actually gives a damn. I need to leave it, because in all honesty she will never care. She will never love me. I'm unlovable. I'm poison."

"Meredith Grey, you are not poison. You cannot help it that your mother is highly selfish and doesn't deserve you. You are such a beautiful girl who deserves the world and all she does is make you scared of it all. I know you think I'm a lying idiot, but I'm telling you the truth."

"Thank you." Was all she could muster before burying her face into his chest and let herself cry. They sat there for a good 15 minutes before he realized she had fallen asleep. So he picked her up and walked over to Jamie, who was the monitoring therapist at the time.

"Don't be mad. She was a mess, all I did was console her. No moves were made." He said and before she said anything, Meredith started shaking and screaming…

"NO, mommy, please Help me! Everything is spinning. All I want is to get off the carousel. Don't leave, I love you! Mom. MOM!" She yelled before tumbling out of Derek's arms and almost falling to the ground. Thanks to his reflexes she didn't.

"Meredith. Meredith!" Derek and Jamie both said, shaking her to wake up. About the third attempt, she jumped up unsure of where she was.

"What, what happened?"

"You were crying and I held you, but you fell asleep and when I went to carry you in, you started screaming. I think it was a nightmare." He said, his eyes filled with worry and heartbreak. He couldn't deal seeing her like this. It broke him.

"Meredith, why don't you go talk to Teresa?" Jamie said with a sympathetic smile.

"No! She is the last person I want to see. I don't need to talk, my individual therapy isn't until tomorrow." She said angrily.

"Meredith, you have to talk to someone. Today is peer counseling, I'm placing you with Derek since you two are so comfortable together. Okay?"

"Okay." She replied, lowering her head in defeat. She didn't want to talk at all, but she would talk to Derek. He would understand, and help her through it. He always did.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

After spending the 2 hours of peer counseling telling Derek all of her problems, crying, and listening to his advice as he soothed her, all of the patients gathered in the cafeteria for dinner then back to their rooms for bed.

Meredith and Derek went to bed that night thinking of each other. Derek thinking of how much he loved her, and how he would give her the entire world and then some, how he would make all of her fears and doubts go away. Meredith went to bed thinking how lucky she was to have him in her life. How much she needed him right now, and though she felt more for him.. her deep feelings for him, she refused to acknowledge them because even she knew how damaged she was and she didn't want to ruin anything because of her insecurities.

If there were any two people in this world that deserved to be happy together, it was Meredith and Derek. They had been through so much at such a young age, yet they fought each and everyday to get better. To get healthy not only for themselves but for each other, because they both knew if they ever wanted to have a relationship they needed to be healthy or everything would go wrong. They had too much to fight for.. Too much to live for.

**A/N: So, I hope y'all liked this. I'm soo incredibly sorry this took a month to be put up. Next update: We meet Cristina and have the family luncheon. Happy birthday to mcdreamyslover!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm trying to get this story caught up to where it should be by now. Again, sorry it took so long to update. I've gotten 1 review since last night, which is understandable(hahah) but please do comment. Even if you're saying you hate it and you hate me. ;) Enjoy!**

**P.S This probably won't make it to 10 by tonight. It'll probably be 9, but there is a chance I will get it to 10. That's the goal anyways…**

Today was the day. She woke up knowing this, fearing this, ready for this. Today had two major milestones in it, right now anyways. She would meet her new roommate, the one who would every single mood she could possibly have. The breakdowns, the nightmares, everything that Meredith hid from the world her new roommate would see. The other big milestone? The family luncheon that her mother wouldn't be attending.

This thought made her grow slightly irritated, but the thought of spending the time with Derek made it better. That is until she remembered she was meeting his family.

"Get it together Meredith, your meeting them as a friend. Another patient, not a girlfriend. If anything they will call you a freak and tell you to get lost, so chill." She said to herself as she waited for Teresa to come in with this Cristina character. From what she had heard, Cristina's dad died when she was 9 years old and he bled out in front of her.

That's how Meredith felt when it came to her parents, only it was her that died and she bled out in front of them. Only difference is her parents didn't get PTSD and have to be put in a hospital like Cristina. She was taken from her thoughts when she heard slight footsteps and a knock at the door.

She turned around to see Teresa standing next to an Asian girl with black curls spread over her head. She had a hard expression on her face, didn't look very welcoming. She was putting up a wall, thinking Meredith wouldn't be able to tell. Little did she know, Meredith was the queen on walls so in this moment, Meredith threw hers up as well. She couldn't trust this girl and Teresa was looking at her, obviously still thinking of yesterday.

"Meredith, this is Cristina Yang. She is your new roommate." Teresa said to break the silence, taking glances at both girls trying to read their expressions.

"Hi, I'm Meredith Grey." She said calmly, extending a hand to be shaken. She was shocked at the reply she got..

"Grey? As in Ellis Grey? THE Ellis Grey? Wow, I cannot believe I'm in the same room as a legend's daughter." Cristina had obviously released her walls and was openly fan-girling over her mother. If she only knew.

"Yes. The Ellis Grey." She said coolly, very distant, and formal. "How do you know about her?"

"Are you kidding? She won two Harper Avery Awards. She's legendary! There's some luncheon today, is she coming?" Cristina had a hopeful expression on her face that was easily brought down.

"No she's not. She's too busy for her child."

"Understandable. You cannot be a kick ass surgeon and play mommy. It doesn't work." Cristina, now Ellis Jr. in Meredith's mind was oblivious to what Meredith was conveying. How she was trying to say it's her mother's fault she is here.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I have to go." She said before exiting the room. The walls were closing in, she ran out of oxygen and had to get out. How could anyone believe that, yes it was true, but if that situation ever came about for Meredith she would quit being a surgeon and get a stupid desk job if she had to. She couldn't believe the words she heard, how anyone could say a job is more important than a living breathing person.

Meredith just roamed the halls for about an hour, wrapped up in her own thoughts when she saw Derek sitting in the court yard writing. Or was he drawing? She would have to go figure this out for herself.

"Hey you, what are you doing?" He jumped when she said this which caused her to start frantically apologizing and chiding herself. Causing him to bust out laughing…

"Meredith it's okay, I was just zoned out. You didn't scare me. I'm a man, nothing scares me." He laughed, a full hearty laugh that went all the way up to his eyes. She was jealous. This meant he could probably leave early. What if today was a test? All the good kids got to go home with their families and the bad ones would stay? _Crap._ Meredith thought. _If that's the case, I'm already screwed. Not like I'd be able to leave anyways. Mommy dearest isn't in the state. _

"So Mer, I have some news." He said suddenly turning serious. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but you deserve to know. Just promise me you won't get scared. This could be very good for us." He smiled.

"I'll try. Just tell me, what's going on?" She was scared, worried, anxious, and just wanting to know what he had to say.

"Okay, so you know how you're sitting with my family at the luncheon?" When she nodded nervously he continued. "Well my mother heard about your situation and being the over protective momma hen she is, she called social services, about 5 lawyers, and the head of this place."

"WHAT? Why? Am I being transported to Mexico for experimental brain surgery or something, because I do not want that. At all, you do not have my consent!" Meredith's freaking out made Derek smile, he couldn't help it.

"No Meredith, you are not getting any kind of surgery, it's better. Somehow my mother pulled a bunch of strings and apparently made a donation to this place, but anyways if all goes well today at the luncheon and we both pass final exams, you get to come live with me." He was beaming, so happy when Teresa told him. He was not to tell Meredith but he couldn't help it.

"I.. what? I get to leave? With you? As in live with you? And your family who, besides your mom, will totally hate me and think I'm world's biggest freak show?"

"No, that spot is forever saved for me in their eyes. Trust me, it'll be okay. Even Jamie thinks it will work. It was very very hard for this to happen, it almost didn't. But when my mom threatened to take them to court and your mother just agreed instantly to have you leave, this place said it was fine. But if either of us get into any kind of trouble, my mom could get into some serious trouble, they're taking this very seriously, but we both want you there."

She suddenly felt her eyes water and her arms thrown around Derek. "Thank you, really. Thank you."

He smiled as far as his lips would stretch and then some. "You're welcome. It all started when I told them that I refused to leave without you. But you can't act like you know a thing. Just act like your amazing self."

"Corny. You are a corny man, has anyone ever told you that? Thank you for caring so much though. I don't know where I would be without you. I won't, I won't act like I know. I can't be the one to ruin what your mom worked so hard for." She smiled wiping her tears, and gave him one last hug.

"Well you couldn't ruin it, it's going to happen it's just all about when. We have to be completely healthy before we can leave. So no lying okay? Tell them everything, if they say you're not ready, I'll wait for you. I was already cleared."

"You're free from this hell hole? Lucky you. Why would you stay and wait for me?"

"Because, I- I need you." He said very honestly.

"I need you too." She replied, the vulnerability shining through in her eyes.

"Well I'll let you get back to your drawing, if you don't mind I'm going to read."

"Not a problem." He smiled, and went back to his drawing while she read. Just comfortably enjoying each others company, like they would for years to come.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"Hey ma." Derek smiled as he took his mother into a hug.

"Derek, I've missed you. So much." She replied, tears pooling in her eyes.

"I know, I got the okay to leave, and I will if Meredith can too. Thank you by the way for doing all of this for me."

"I couldn't be the one to make my son be far away from the woman he loves. Plus I like her, well from what I've seen from her." Their little moment was interrupted by four screams.

"Derbear!" His four sisters came running, and threw their arms around him.

"Oh god, please don't call me that when you meet Meredith." He said highly embarrassed.

"Of course not.." Kathleen said sarcastically.

"This is going to be bad for me isn't it?"

"Oh yes. Sweet sweet revenge for all these years." Nancy said with a devilish grin.

"Nancy is in charge? Do you four seriously hate me that much? This is the girl I love and will love forever, even though to her we're just friends, please don't do this." He pleaded.

"Derek, we've been here for an hour finalizing the papers, we saw you with Meredith in the court yard. She loves you. Get over it." Nancy said. "Boys, they are so dense I swear."

"Bitter. Bitter. Bitter." Derek laughed. The Shepherd's were so involved in catching up they didn't notice the tiny blonde girl appear.

"You must be Meredith, hi I'm Carolyn. We met at the hospital." She smiled.

"Oh, yeah. Hi. I'm Meredith." She said with a nervous smile. "These must be your daughters." She said turning to the sisters.

"I'm Nancy, this is Kathleen. That's Amelia, and the last one is Miranda." Nancy said extending her hand. Meredith shook each of the sisters' hand before turning to Derek who took her into his arms.

"I'm scared." She whispered into his chest.

"I know. It'll be okay I promise, I'm here okay? Remember, right now it's just as friends and now roommate. Okay?"

"Okay." They smiled at each other before ending the hug and turning back to the family. "So, um, should we sit?"

"Yes, let's go." Derek smiled leading all of the ladies to their table before Teresa came onto the microphone.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Teresa Shoostermen and I am the head counselor here at Springwood facility and I would like to welcome you to our 5th annual Family Luncheon. We hope you enjoy this time you have to bond with your son or daughter and I will let the food start to come out!"

After everyone clapped, and food was delivered it was time for small talk. Kathleen started by saying, "So Meredith I don't mean to intrude, but you are so tiny I feel like I could snap you in half. Not that I ever would try to, it's just… you know."

"It's okay. I umm, I've been battling anorexia and bulimia for about 6 years now. You should've seen me about a month ago. But don't worry I'm getting better. Slowly but surely."

"Well don't worry, we'll keep you fed." Miranda smiled. They were talking, laughing, smiling. Meredith totally forgot that she was being watched, tested, and had to get ready. About 30 min later Teresa approached the table.

"Meredith, Derek, can I talk to you two?" They nodded and went into the hall. "Meredith, I want you to know something. You have a choice, Derek's mother has worked very hard to make this happen but you now have the option to leave Springwood and live with them. We watched you all week, ever since we found out about this request and though you had a hard spot, I firmly believe your treatment here is complete.

Is this something you would want to do?"

"Yes, T. It's exactly what I want. I want to go live with the Shepherds. Without a doubt."

"Okay, well Derek since you're all packed up can you help us pack Meredith's stuff?"

"Of course." The three of them went to Meredith's room and packed everything up.

"Cristina? I know I didn't know you long, but once you're out of here… I'll take you to meet my mother. The Ellis Grey, I think you would like her and she would like you." Meredith smiled.

"That would be nice. I'm going to be a surgeon so hopefully we can work together one day? Teresa told me you too are interested in Medicine."

"I am. I'm hopefully going to become a neurosurgeon alongside Derek." She said as she turned to him and smiled.

"That's right. Maybe all three of us will work together one day." Derek returned the smile, and when they finished the packing all of the sister's and Carolyn loaded up the car and they said their goodbyes to Springwood.

"I'll miss you T. Thank you for everything."

"I will miss you too Meredith." She said tearing up, she pulled Meredith into a hug and when she released her they said goodbye one more time and they left.

"I'll miss this place is that crazy?" Meredith said.

"I will too." He replied. _It's the place I fell in love._ He thought to himself. "It's not crazy." They smiled at each other and turned around, watching the place that brought them together fade into the background as they headed to Derek's house, back to the real world. Together.

**A/N: So, I was writing this and I decided to throw a curve ball by having Meredith move in. Good? Bad? Horrid? Excellent? Please please tell me. **** Next chapter, the first day with the Shepherd's. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm sorry these are so slow… I don't have my own laptop and I'm pretty busy. I'm trying though! Hopefully things will speed up soonish. Anyways, enjoy!**

It was day one at the Shepherd household, and Meredith was still in shock that it had even been possible. Mrs. Shepherd told her just how hard it was, so did Teresa, but that it was worth it. Another thing that shocked Meredith, just how easily her mother agreed to this, all it took was a one line email from Ellis Grey and Meredith was now motherless.

_Okay. Fine by me._

_-Ellis Grey MD_

That was all the email said. She was half grateful, half heartbroken but the grateful/happy side had to take over. For now at least. Once they arrived to Derek's house, Meredith got the grand tour while Derek and the sisters carried everything in.

"So Mer, what do you think of my bachelor pad?" He chuckled.

"It's not exactly a bachelor pad when you have five women living with you." He returned.

"I think you mean six, you forgot about yourself. But fine, call it what you will, do you like it?"

"Like it? Derek it's extraordinary! There are pictures, hand made art work; you can tell people live here!" Meredith said excitedly.

"Wh-what? You mean the embarrassing family photos and the pictures drawn in art class? Those are nothing."

"Maybe to you, but to me they're everything. This is a home, where I live is only a house."

"Lived."

"What?"

"You said live. You live here now, this home is now your home." Derek said with a smile.

"You're right. Thank you. It means more than you know." Meredith replied and wrapped her arms around him.

"Meredith, I'm going to give you the world one day." He said, while flashing what would soon be dubbed the "McDreamy Smile" causing her heart to skip a beat, and her breath to catch.

"One day." She whispered. Knowing how much she truly cared about him, he was her best friend but they had already talked about this and one day, once they were both better they would explore a relationship. A real one. Even though she couldn't trust, she trusted him. Though she was scared, he comforted her. Though she was broken, he only saw beauty. And though she was difficult, he knew she was worth it.

"Meredith dear!" Mrs. Shepherd called from downstairs. "Teresa is on the phone for you."

"Okay! Coming ma'am." Meredith yelled before racing down the stairs and grabbing the phone.

"Oh, call me Carolyn. Ma'am makes me feel old." She smiled.

"Hey T."

"_Hello Meredith. How are things going?"_

"Great. I'm really glad I get to be here."

"_I'm glad. I thought I'd call and tell you, even though you are out you still have to come to therapy once a week. You are now an out patient, meaning you don't have to stay here but you are still in the program."_

"I knew this was too good to be true." She giggled. "But I can take that deal. When do I start?"

"_Next Thursday at 6pm. Sound good?"_

"Yes it does. Thanks again T for helping make this happen. You have no idea what this means to me."

"_You're welcome Meredith. Remember, if things are going bad, do not keep it bottled up just so you can stay out of Springwood okay?"_

"Of course not. Well, it's lunch time, so can I talk to you later?"

"_Sure thing. Be sure to keep eating, and remember you're beautiful."_

"Thank you T." She said, tears forming in her eyes. "I'll see you Thursday."

"_Until then. Bye Meredith." _And a click came from both ends of the phone.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

After a long day of lunch, talking, and then dinner, Meredith and Derek were exhausted so they both called it a night. But at about 3am, Meredith was woken up by someone shaking her slightly.

"Pst. Mer, are you awake? Well of course you aren't but I need you to wake up."

"Mmmmm, no therapy… Lemme sleep." She mumbled incoherently.

"Meredith, it's me Derek, please wake up." The concern and worry in his voice made her jolt up.

"Mmm Derek, what's wrong?"

"I had a nightmare, and I know it sounds like I'm a stupid toddler who should just go cry to his mommy, but I needed you." He said shakily, tears forming in his eyes. Meredith saw this and immediately threw her arms around him, squeezing him as tight as her non-existing muscles and tiny frame would allow.

"Shh. It's not stupid. I would've done the same thing. What happened?" She said rubbing small circles on his back attempting to comfort him.

"I-I-I… you, and me, and my dad. The day my dad died all over again, only this time.. I was the shooter. I shot you then I shot my father." Derek whispered before letting the tears flow out of his body, and onto Meredith's shirt.

"I'm so sorry. You know that could and would NEVER happen. You have to know that right?"

"I know. Just thinking about it, seeing it, is so scary. I couldn't do that to you or my father if he was still alive. I just, I wish I could undream that."

"I know. H-Ho-How about you stay in here for the night? It couldn't do any harm."

"I-I uh, okay." He said, climbing into the bed and falling asleep seconds after his head hit the pillow. Meredith took a look at his peaceful sleeping body before she to returned to dream land.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

At about 10am, Carolyn Shepherd walked into the guest room, now Meredith's room and saw the pair asleep. On opposite sides of the bed, still fully clothed. It took all she had not to wake them, but she realized if they weren't even doing anything, what could be the harm? So she slowly started walking out, when she heard someone stir. When she turned back around, she saw Meredith wiping her eyes, taking in her surroundings. She took one look at Derek and one at Carolyn and gasped.

"Mrs. Shepherd! I promise nothing happened. He came in at 3am, said he had a nightmare and I couldn't just make him leave you know? I swear once we talked he fell right back to sleep, and so did I. We even slept on complete opposite sides of the bed. Please don't be mad, or kick me out. I didn't think." Meredith rambled, still half asleep.

"Meredith honey, first off, I didn't catch half of that. Secondly, it's okay. I understand. Nightmare? What happened? Why don't you come down stairs and I'll make some breakfast and we can talk."

"Okay." Meredith replied, before crawling out of bed and walking downstairs with Mrs. Shepherd. Once they got downstairs, Carolyn started making pancakes for the three of them and Meredith hopped on the counter.

"So, why don't we start with this, did you sleep well?"

"Yes I did. Thank you."

"That's good. Now can you tell me about the nightmare please?" Carolyn said sincerely.

"Well, he told me it was like he was back at his father's store, the day he died. I was there too. Mr. Shepherd was shot, and then I was shot. Only thing was Derek was the shooter, the panic in his voice and the horror was terrifying. It's like the nightmare was on repeat in his mind even after he woke up."

"Oh my gosh. That's horrifying. Was he okay?"

"Yes, I talked to him for about 30 minutes then he fell asleep. He wanted to come to you, but he didn't want to worry you."

"I understand. Thank you for being there for him. You're very good for him." She said sweetly.

"Don't thank me, if anything I should be thanking you every second of every day."

"For what darling?"

"Well one, for having Derek, he really saved me in ways no one else could. Second, because you did all of this for me. You got me out of that place and gave me a home. And you're very motherly, not something I'm used to."

"Well, you are very welcome. I'm glad Derek could be there for you as well. About getting you here, it was as much for you as it was for Derek. You know he begged me to do this, and once I heard the way he spoke about you, I knew I had to or I'd regret it for the rest of my life."

"Well once again thank you. It may take me some time, getting used to all of this… a family, but I will try my hardest to be enough for you and your wonderful family."

"Meredith, you already are. Just being you, the girls all love you, Derek obviously loves you, and I can already tell you're a wonderful girl. You've just been through a lot."

"T used to always tell me, 'You gotta get a little messed up before you can step up.'"

"That is so very true. But Meredith, don't think of yourself as 'damaged goods' because that is not true at all. I hope you know this."

"I do… Sometimes. My mother never helped me think that way though."

"Your mother just doesn't know what she's missing." Right as she said this, they heard foot steps coming from the staircase and into the kitchen.

"Hello ladies." Derek said tiredly as he rubbed his eyes. "I smelled the pancakes and I couldn't resist." He chuckled. "I see you two got to talking already?"

"Yes we did dear." Carolyn responded while flipping the last pancake and giving her son a hug. "I heard about your nightmare."

"Let's not talk about it. Please? I'm fine now. Promise."

"Okay dear. I'm here if you need me, you can't let Meredith have you all to herself." She laughed.

"Oh, Mrs. Shepherd, I would never try to interfere with your relationship with your son. Never ever," Meredith rambled, causing the two Shepherds to laugh and Derek to hug her.

"Meredith, it's okay. She was kidding. Plus, I'm a huge mama's boy. I'd never let you." He laughed before adding, "That too was a joke."

"Okay." She giggled and hugged him back. "These pancakes are delicious Mrs. S."

"Thank you Meredith." She smiled.

"Ma, where are the sisters?" Derek asked, noting their absence.

"They went out for a day of shopping, then all four of them are going to Bailey's for a birthday party."

"Oh, okay. What about you? Got any plans?"

"Well, I have to go to work in about an hour, but I needed to give you these." She said, holding up a pair of keys.

"Ma, what-what is this? A car?"

"Well, you're 17 and you've had your license for a year now, I thought why not get you a car."

"Thank you Ma. Thank you so much." He said, gathering his mother into a tight embrace.

"And as another welcome home gift, here's $2,000. Please do not go crazy and spend it in 20 minutes."

"Ma, $2,000? Are you crazy? I mean you can trust me but… wow."

"Derek, I have the money to do this for you, so I want to. Plus you need clothes. All your ones now, won't fit."

"Yes Ma. Now you go get ready for work, I'm going to take Meredith shopping. She needs clothes more than I do."

"I'm right here guys." Meredith chuckled. "And Derek, I won't let you spend your money on me. Your mother gave that for you, not me. But I will help you pick everything out. Can't have you looking bad." She laughed.

"It's my treat. We'll split it okay? There is no way I can spend that much money on myself." He smiled.

"Fine. I'll go get ready. Thanks for the breakfast Carolyn." Meredith smiled before running upstairs to get ready.

"Meredith is so good for you Derek. You see things in black and white. She doesn't, you need some of that."

"I know Ma. You have no idea how I feel about her, but I can't scare her off. It would ruin me."

"Derek, if there is one thing I know about… It's love, and that girl loves the hell out of you. I promise." She smiled. "When I look at you two, I see your father and myself."

"Really?"

"Yes. You two will last a life time. That I promise. Just don't mess it up." She laughed.

"I love her too much to do that." He smiled. They hugged once more and then went there separate ways to get ready for their days. Carolyn thinking about the beauty of young love and Derek thinking of the future, all he could picture was him and Meredith. No matter what, they could get through anything. He just had to make her see he would never ever leave her.

**A/N: So…. Did ya like? :) I thought about adding the shopping trip into this chapter but that's gonna be it's own chapter. I'm hoping to write it soonish, as long as life doesn't get in my way. This is the part where I beg like an idiot for comments and reviews because that's what keeps me going. Thanks a lot! 3**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, I started writing this the other day but then I got distracted and have to start over. It only had a few sentences anyways. This is kinda just a fluffy filler chapter. I think y'all deserve it after all the sadness. Heehee. Feel free to comment! Enjoy! P.S. No offense to anyone "preppy" I'm not making fun, it's just that's not them… you'll see.**

"Derek Christopher, why I trusted you to help me pick out clothes is beyond me!" Meredith yelled through the dressing room as she looked in the mirror. A tye-dye tee and short jean shorts were what stared back at her. "I look like an idiotic preppy chick."

"Oh come on! I just picked out what any of my sisters would wear. Just let me see it." He pleaded, half chuckling knowing he hated his sisters' sense of style. When she came out with an irritated expression plastered to her face, he couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"You hate their style. You are mean. Mean, mean, mean. I'm going to change then pick out my own stuff." She huffed before turning around and marching to the dressing room. Once changed, Meredith stormed right past Derek, causing him to bolt up and follow her out of the store and back to main mall area.

"Are you seriously mad? I was just playing a joke." He asked.

"I don't know, what happens if I'm infuriated?" She smiled, using a fake angry tone.

"You get to… get revenge." He said, noticing her smile.

"Oh really? Anything I want from any store? You are not very smart Derek Shepherd." She said mischievously.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, don't you worry." He returned.

"And what would that be?" She said as they started walking towards the food court.

"That's for me to know and you to wonder." Derek replied, not really having a plan but hoping to scare her out of getting revenge.

"Fine, but just know I will find a way to get my revenge. When you least expect it." Meredith winked walking towards the Burger King stand.

"Burger King? Seriously? I was thinking we went to Souper Salad. Or WhichWich. You know, healthy food."

"Ew. Why on Earth would I eat healthy food? I'm supposed to be gaining weight anyways." Meredith said, it was true, she was still a good 15 pounds from where she needed to be.

"Fine. Only because I'm considering your health, which by the way I'm still not really doing that by filling you up with junk." He smiled trying to keep the mood light.

"Oh poor you, not getting your way. I think my arteries will be okay. They've missed burgers and pizza over the last 6 years. I deserve this, mkay?" She giggled.

"Yes you do. You deserve all the pizza and burgers in the world, but your arteries don't deserve all the abuse." He laughed as they placed their orders and sat down.

"Mmmm, oh quarter pounder with cheese, mama has missed you." She said as she indulged in the burger forgetting Derek was there all together. When she looked up, he was smiling at her. "What? You don't talk to your food? Crazy man."

"I'm crazy because I don't talk to food? Does your food talk back to you or something?" He chuckled.

"Ass." She mumbled before shoving some fries into her mouth and taking a big gulp of her large Coke, while Derek poked at his fast food salad.

"I am so not an ass." He feigned hurt, finishing off his salad.

"Whatever you say." She beamed as she took the last bite of her burger before throwing it away and grabbing her Coke. "Ready to finish this day of torture?" She laughed.

"Only if you are." He returned the laugh and they both got up. When they started walking their hands brushed past each other, causing Derek to slightly clutch Meredith's and he grinned internally when she didn't pull away. They walked hand in hand around the top floor, walking into Hot Topic.

"I love their shirts. I may even get some jeans!" Meredith said excitedly as she ran to the racks and started looking.

"I thought your style was more indie or whatever it's called." He said following her.

"It is, but can a girl not have more than one style?" She said as she held up a Lady Gaga graphic tee. "What do you think? Oh and by the way, I'm dying my hair pink. Want to help?"

"First, the shirt is cool. Second, pink? Are you sure? I mean Ma won't care, she's all about self expression, but seriously?" He asked confused.

"Yeah. I'm positive. I thought about fire-truck red but decided pink would be best." She stated seriously. "Wanna help?"

"Urm, me dye hair? That's kinda a chick thing. Don't you think?"

"Oh gosh, you are such a boy. Just do it! It'll be fun!" She giggled. "You know you wanna. All we have to do is bleach it, then apply the coloring."

"Alright, I'll do it with you." He smiled. "I'm guessing I'll need the practice for when you decide to randomly change your hair color again."

"See, you catch on quick." She winked, wrapping her arm through his and leaning into his chest. "Now let's finish shopping, we have lots more to spend." The rest of the afternoon was spent with laughter, fake arguments, Derek getting swatted in the arm for stupid remarks, and all and all just good fun between two friends… just friends. For now that is.

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"Damn it." Derek muttered as pink hair dye splattered from the tube onto Meredith's head, and the wall.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing? The box does give simple instructions you know." She giggled, handing him the box.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny miss. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm such a good friend that I am helping you out with your hair dilemma. You should be thanking me right now actually." He smirked while reading the box.

"I like to think I am very funny actually, thanks for the compliment. You'll figure it out. Here, let me help you. You take the bottle, hold it over my head, and squeeze. After you squeeze it, you rub it on the roots then up and down the lock of hair. Finally you flip it over, do the backside of the thread and move on. Easy enough?" She smirked.

"Sounds easy, but if your hair comes out messed up, don't blame me. I told you I didn't know what I was doing." He laughed before squirting more dye on her head and rubbing it in. "I bet you'll look pretty hot with the hard core pink hair."

"I bet you do. Maybe you should go pink and we can match?" She suggested jokingly.

"Oh yeah, because this," he said pointing to his head, "would look so sexy with bright pink in it."

"One streak. That's it. Please? You know you want to. We'll be matching or whatever."

"You, Meredith Grey, want to match with me, Derek Shepherd? Seriously?" He asked puzzled but also joking.

"But of course my dear." She smiled. "What's wrong with matching with me? I'm pretty cool, at least I like to think I am." She smirked.

"Oh you are very cool, it's me we should be worried about. Do you not see this afro, and this body?" He said moving his hands up and down to showcase himself.

"The afro is kinda sexy, but I can show you how to tame it, I'm very good with hair gel." She said. "The body is fine, don't even worry about it. We don't want you becoming me now do we?"

"You think I'm sexy." He winked at her.

"Out of all of that, all you caught was me calling your AFRO sexy? I never called YOU sexy.." She smiled mischievously.

"So I'm not sexy? I just have sexy hair? That's no fair. I want to be sexy." He said pretending to be hurt by what she said.

"Not everyone can pull off sexy, I'm sorry. Maybe one day." She teased.

"You'll just have to wait and see now won't you? When I turn into a total babe and the women are falling all over me, you'll have to fight them off for me."

"Yes of course, you'll be oh so dreamy. I will just have to wait and see, hope you know I'll be around a while. But really, it'll be you fighting off boys for my attention. You know the already sexy ones." She laughed. His heart fluttered at the fact of her being around for a long time and talking about them, and each other fighting off the other sex for each other. Hoping they didn't have to because they would be together. Forever. But he knew that though she was being fun and flirty she was fragile and he had to be careful. He would make a move, he just didn't know when. Hopefully it wouldn't be too late.

"Derek, are you there? Earth to Derekoh.. Derelique?" She laughed.

"Huh? Oh yeah sorry, I was thinking."

"About what? How you want to marry me, have a bunch of kids and a white picket fence and a minivan?" She smirked.

"Urm, fence and minivan? No." He laughed.

"Good because those things are not me. But who knows that you'll even have to worry about that stuff. I might never get married." _But I'll be here forever. _She thought, and that thought scared her to death. It was an involuntary thought, which meant she subconsciously wanted it to happen. She wanted Derek Christopher Shepherd, that much she knew for sure.

"Good to know." He smiled, she may have said she'd never marry but she never said anything about not being with him. Maybe she did want him after all. He wanted her, with every fiber of his being. Ever since he saw her at the first group session explaining her battles he knew he would be the one to glue her back together. He loved her.. He loved Meredith Elizabeth Grey with every cell in his 5' 10" body. He promised himself and silently promised her that he would not only love her, but keep her happy for the rest of his life. He would make every second fulfilling, as much as he could. And when they fought he'd make it up to her in whatever way she wanted.

"So, my hair is done, now we wait. I was thinking while we wait I can style your hair and put in the streak.' She smiled.

"Urgh, fine. you better not mess up." He chuckled. "I have to look sexy for the ladies."

"Yeah.. mmhmm." _You have to look sexy for me, no other girls. Mkay? You are all mine. Plus you're already mega sexy. In every way. _She thought as she applied the gel to his hair and styled. "You're lucking out, I won't do pink just yet."

"Thank you!" He laughed, and once she finished styling his hair he stood there in awe of her work. Just another thing she was truly amazing at.

"Okay, time to rinse out your hair." He smiled, then rinsed out the dye to reveal that long pink locks had overpowered the dirty blonde ones that were there before.

**A/N: Okay this one was shorter than normal, but writing too much happy is hard! Bhahah. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the fluff. Question: I'm thinking about a time jump. About 10 years, and they would be interns. Cristina would return.. or I can keep it at this age, 17, and go slower. What do y'all think? Please comment! 3**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey! So, I'm sorry this took so long, BUT I have news. I finally got my laptop so I can write whenever I want! Is anyone else as excited as me? Probably not because I'm lame but it's okay. ANYWAYS, for the time jump…. It's pretty much 60/40. A lot of people want me to explore the beginning of the relationship then jump. So I'm thinking about doing that. Though there may be a few small jumps.. you know weeks/months. No biggie.**

**Enjoy!**

"Wow. Mer, wow. You look so different. Good, but different. More punk-fucking-rock. I like it." Derek smiled as they both looked at the final product that was her hair. The sisters had come home that evening and after having a short talk with Meredith and seeing the pink, they all loved her. Even Carolyn had approved.

"Punk-fucking-rock huh? Sweet deal. That was the goal." She winked. "So, I'm famished…"

"Famished? We just ate like 3 hours ago?" He said, puzzled.

"Your point?" She smiled. "I'm hungry, and battling an eating disorder. You wouldn't want the anorexic girl to starve right?" She laughed.

"That's not funny." Derek replied, very seriously. "Please don't joke like that, I'd never..."

"I'm sorry. It was stupid and I shouldn't have done it. I was just trying to be funny." She said looking down.

"It's fine." He huffed. "Don't feel bad, I just would never want you to think I'd ever think you're anything but perfect."

"Well, you're living in a fantasy world if you think I'm perfect." She said lightly, smiling when she saw his eyes lighten and his expression soften. "So, food?"

"We don't really have anything here, ma needs to go shopping. We can go out though? To a restaurant and all that jazz."

"All that jazz? Real nice. So, a date?" She said shakily.

"You can call it whatever you want. I'm calling it two people getting dinner." He smiled, noticing and trying to fix her slightly darkened expression. He knew better than to try and date her already. It would be way too soon. She was still in recovery and needed a support system, but his hormones were raging, blood pumping, and he wanted more. But he knew good things came to those who waited.

"I'm so sorry. I really wish this was easier for me, but I'm still dealing with my mom problems and trying to get better and be good. Normal. That's all, you know? I'm taking things one step at a time, but don't worry, I want this as badly as you. I just don't want to rush into it then screw it all up. So, sorry." She rambled.

"We're going to pretend I heard all that." He laughed as she swatted him in the arm. "Let me finish, what I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted, was that I understand. Completely." He smiled. "Now, I have to feed you. Let's go."

**R O A D T O R E C O V E R Y**

"You have to eat too." She said looking at the menu.

"But I'm not hungry." Derek said while looking at her.

"Just- please? I can't be the only one eating, it'll trigger the 'fat ass' thoughts and then I won't want to eat and I reeeeealy don't want that to happen. So eat. Please." Meredith pleaded.

"Okay, I will eat. Just for you, but if my pants don't fit tomorrow, I blame you." He smiled, looking at a menu. Thinking he'd eat anything he had to just to make sure she was healthy and happy.

"Thank you. I know it's stupid, but it's an Ano thing, I know you don't get it. I will happily take the blame for you plumping up." She winked, not wanting to share a story about her mother and her anorexia mixed.

"Well ma won't be very happy if she has to buy me new clothes when we just spent a lot on clothes yesterday." He smiled back, noticing something was off.

"Crap." She muttered. "Well then you can just get the salad or something, wait no, that won't help either… Looks like you're getting a nice 6oz steak with mashed potatoes and we'll get you vegetables for your tub tub belly." She laughed.

"My tub tub belly? Thanks. I feel so loved."

"Good. Because that was totally the goal." She said sarcastically. She knew he could tell something was off, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him. They ordered their food and had small talk about nothing at all for a good 30 minutes when Derek finally studied her face and asked…

"What's wrong? I've noticed something was wrong all night but I didn't want to bring it up since you were laughing and having a good time, but it's time." He said, never taking his eyes off her.

"Not here, please. I'll tell you, but not in public. Not where other people are able to hear or stare more than they are." She said with a sadness in her voice that only he would be able to pick up on.

"Okay, for now let's just enjoy this." He smiled, pointing at the waiter holding their food. When she saw the food in front of her, she forgot all about the conversation they were having and dug in. "Didn't you have a cheeseburger for lunch too?" Derek laughed.

"Maybe, maybe not. Either way, they're delicious; I'd eat them all the time if I could." Meredith laughed. "How's your steak?" She asked making light conversation.

"Amazing, this place always makes the best meats." He chuckled. "So, are you excited to start school with me and the sisters this year? Mostly me of course." He winked.

"I am. I'm ready for a fresh start and to be somewhere that no one knows anything about me, my mother, my past, or my disorder. You know?" She smiled.

"I do actually. I've only been going to this school for high school and people still don't know a thing. All they know is that dad is dead and we were close, but I've been very careful about the image I created for myself and who I hung around with. I don't think I did very good though, I've been the band nerd all throughout high school and I just barely learned how to use hair product."

"About that…. I've been meaning to tell you that you're pretty bad with the gel." She giggled, leaning over and ruffling her hands through the mini afro he had half tamed. She laughed when she saw his face and added, "But don't worry, with me by your side everything will get better. Hair wise that is."

_Not just hair wise to me._ He thought. "Yeah, thanks for that jerk." He laughed. "I thought I was getting good, way to crush my dreams."

"I wasn't crushing your dreams; I was bringing you back to reality. There is a difference you know." She replied with a smile.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." He gruffed, feigning hurt. "Why would you want to help me? You don't like my hair how it is now?"

"Oh you poor thing." She giggled. "I have to help so you can get some women attention, and to be honest, I never noticed it before." _I was too busy staring at your beautiful eyes or your body._

"Seriously? First, I don't want women attention, I just want one woman's attention. I'm waiting for her to get ready so other women would be pointless. And second, how do you not notice this?" He asked, pointing to his head and laughing. "It's huge!"

"You won't want me forever, you'll get bored of waiting since I'll take so long and I don't want to do that to you. I want you to go and put yourself out there, play the field. Maybe you'll find someone who was ready all along. I want you happy." She said looking towards an elderly couple a few tables away. "I want you to have that." She said pointing to them. "Even if it's with someone else, and personally I think the hair is cute."

"I will, trust me, I will want you until the day I die. And as long as you're at least in my life somehow, I'll never be bored. Plus, who knows, maybe once school starts and as we get older we'll stay friends and getting ready will get easier. Mainly because I'll always be here to help you and maybe even get you to take that jump every now and then. And when you're scared, I'll be there the entire time encouraging you to do whatever you want." He smiled. "Let's go for a walk." He said as he paid and they got up and left.

"This is nice." Meredith smiled. "Thank you." She added, stopping at a bench to sit down and think.

"You're welcome. It's very nice, now why did you get sad when I didn't want to eat earlier?" He asked sitting down next to her.

"It just reminded me of my inability to be the only one in a group eating. It makes me feel so nasty and not want to eat anymore. Another reason why I should let you go free to other people who would call this dating, I have too much baggage… I don't want to burden you forever."

"Too much baggage? Have you not paid attention when we were in Springwood? You're not the only one with baggage, it makes this so much easier because you not only know everything about me but you understand. You will never be a burden. Now, do you want to share the story? My guess is it has something to do with your mother?"

"Thank you." She said tearing up. "Yeah it does. It's also the story of when I started taking diet pills also. Basically, I had not eaten in about a week besides the basic 300 calories a day, so I was giving myself a binge day to even out and trick my metabolism. Well this just happened to be the same day mother dearest was staying home because she hit the 120hour limit.

So, when she got home, I was having the gourmet breakfast and she walks in, gives me the utmost look of disgust and decides to tell me I'm 'obsessed with food, and if I wanted to help myself I should go try on clothes. That's snap me out of this real fast.' Since then I've gone once every two weeks to try on clothes. It's a ritual now." She said looking down.

"Please tell me you're kidding." Derek said, utterly speechless. "How could she say that to you, knowing you were way skinner than you were before and the fact that you're naturally skinny and have a fast metabolism?" He said, putting his hand on her chin and lifting her face up. He then cupped har face and said, "I need you to know something."

"What?" She said, looking into his eyes while a few lone tears escaped causing him to stroke her cheek and wipe them away.

"You're beautiful. Beautiful and perfect in every way possible. I know you don't believe me but I need you to know that." He said before giving her a soft smile.

"What would I do without you?" She asked, smiling back.

"You'd probably be fine, I on the other hand, would be totally and completely lost."

"I'd be lost too, you pull me out of my slump time and time again." She said.

"It's my job." Derek smiled before saying, "We should probably get back, ma will start worrying soon."

"Okay." She smiled before getting up and taking his hand. They walked back to the car and he drove them home. When they got there, Derek's phone rang and he told Meredith he needed to take it before bolting up the stairs. Meredith decided she'd put their to-go boxes in the fridge, when she got there she saw a note from Mrs. Shepherd saying,

_Meredith and Derek,_

_I had to go run some errands, so just do whatever until I get back…. Nothing bad! _

_P.S Der, Addison called. You might want to call her back._

_-Ma_

Meredith read the last bit of the note with a feeling of sadness creeping in, he had found someone else. She knew he would, that's why she had the conversation with him about it, she just didn't think he already had someone at his beckon call. She took the note and went up the stairs, catching a little bit of a phone conversation that tore her apart…

_Derek felt his heart swell at the conversation he had been having with Meredith, he felt his feelings for her growing. Which is why he hoped she would like what he was doing for her. One night at the facility Derek had finally gotten an inspiration he had been lacking for so long. He hadn't played his guitar in years and was sure he forgot, but one night after secretly visiting Meredith, everything was changed._

_He got a pen and paper and began writing. He wrote an entire song, first the guitar tabs, then words started coming to him. He wrote and wrote and wrote. After finishing the song that reminded him of Meredith, he called one of his old friends, Addison. She was very talented in the music department and could help him perfect the song and make it what he wanted it to be. Addison had called the house while he was at dinner with Meredith and had called again as soon as he got home, causing him to bolt up the stairs.. _

"_Hey Addi."_

"_Hey Derek! So, on this song, I think it's beautiful and she will love it. I'm flattered you asked me to review it, but I honestly don't see a problem with it." _

"_Really? You think she'll love it? I hope she does, she really deserves something good in life, and I want to be the one to give it to her."_

"_She'll love it, and she'll love you for it. I want to hear it before you play it for her, all I got was a copy of the words and tabs."_

"Of course! That's the least I could do, especially after all you've done for me. I'd be lost without you Addi. I'll come by tomorrow okay? I love you, you life saver!"

_He LOVES her already? How long was he seeing this girl? Life saver? Lost without her?_ Meredith was so confused, Derek had just said pretty much the same thing to her about 20 minutes ago and now he was saying it to his "girlfriend"? She suddenly felt her eyes prick and fill with tears and she suddenly couldn't breathe. She must've gasped for air too loudly because as soon as she started running down the stairs to get outside, fill her lungs with fresh air, and pretend that she never felt a single thing for this two timing player.

"Meredith! MEREDITH!" Derek screamed as he followed her down the stairs and outside, right as Carolyn got home. He had no idea what was wrong, but knew she was outside his room. He sensed her presence while still on the phone. Could she think that he was a thing with Addison? No, that couldn't be it. He never said anything to make her believe that.. What could it be…

"LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST GO BACK INSIDE AND LET ME BE!" She yelled, the tears streaming down her face, she saw Carolyn walking up the driveway looking very bewildered. Meredith gave her a look that she hoped Carolyn would understand, which she did, and she ran. The two of them, Meredith and Carolyn both knew where she was going, Derek on the other hand had no idea. When he tried to ask, all his mother said was "You messed up dear. I don't know exactly what happened, but you need to fix it. She's on her way to the elementary school playground at the end of the block. You two have a lot to talk about I'm guessing. So go."

After that, Derek took off, sprinting all the way down his block. Though his body was begging him to stop and his lungs were burning, screaming for air, he had to keep going. When he got there, he was not expecting the sight he saw before him, she was more broken than ever. And it was his fault.

**A/N: I really really hope y'all liked it! :D Don't worry things will get better within a chapter or two. Please review and input is always loved! I should have another update up sometime tomorrow. Until then. :D**


	11. Chapter 11

The sight before him shocked him and pained him at the same time. He had no idea what happened, what she could've heard or thought she heard. All he knew was he had to fix it, he couldn't lose her. He wouldn't let himself lose her over what was most likely something small and not true. He stayed in the shadows for about 5 minutes gathering his thoughts, preparing a speech, and watching her. Though she was so incredibly broken for some reason, she still looked so beautiful.

The wind was blowing slightly causing her hair to wisp back every now and again. She was just sitting on a swing, looking up at the sky, completely lost in her own thoughts. He slowly approached, not wanting to scare her but she could already tell he was there. As she slowly turned to face him, his heart broke into a thousand pieces. Her face was red, her eyes puffed, and her beautiful green eyes were sparkling with tears. She didn't look him in the eyes, instead she focused on his shoes, when she spoke her voice was hushed and hoarse.

"Do you love her?" She whispered.

"Who Meredith? Do I love who?" He asked, still not quite catching on.

"Don't play stupid with me Derek Shepherd, I heard you on the phone with her. I know I said I wasn't ready and that you and I weren't a thing yet or whatever, but I didn't think you already had someone else. I didn't know you were telling her the same things you told me." Meredith sniffled. "You told her the exact same thing."

"Meredith I don't know who or what you're talking about, but let me assure you, though we aren't anything official, and I'm ready to wait as long as you need to become that; you know how I feel about you. How could you think anything else than what I've said? What I thought I was proving." Derek said, feeling his own round of sadness bubbling up inside him. This just fueled Meredith's anger, more her insecurities than anger and her fear, but it was coming out as anger.

"SERIOUSLY! Do not act like you don't know what I mean!" She yelled. "How could you NOT know what I mean? You told her the same things you told me. Not even 10 minutes after saying them. You want me to get ready and be happy with you. You say you want us to get together and last forever because I just know you so well. Whatever." She huffed before getting up and attempting to walk away. Meredith didn't want Derek to see her cry.

"Meredith Grey, stop it. Stop running from me. Just stop it dammit!" He said a little too rudely, causing her to turn around and glare at him.

"You want to talk? Fine! Go call your girlfriend because I'm DONE. I'm so far past done."

"What the hell have I done to make you 'done, so done'? Please elaborate because I have no idea what you're talking about!" He said, anger and pain clearly written on his face and in his voice. When Meredith opened her mouth to talk, he butt in saying, "And do not tell me to stop acting stupid because if I knew what I may have done, I'd be fighting like hell to fix it."

"You don't get to be angry with me! You really really don't. When we were at Springwood, and even after we left and I moved into your house, you were my savior. You pulled me out of everything, even things you have no idea that you did. I'm grateful for that; I'm grateful for your patience and understanding. What I'm not grateful for is you not telling me about your girlfriend on the side just waiting for you to get better!

Does she know that you are telling other girls the same things you tell her? That you would be lost without her? That you love her, and all of that? What am I to you? A poor little fucked girl that you'll get to fall for you just for fun? Did your girlfriend emasculate you and now you need to prove you're so manly or something?" She bit back, not really caring if he saw he cry anymore. It was getting late though so whatever was going to come out of the conversation needed to happen before Carolyn came to get them.

"I do get to be angry, Meredith, I have no idea what you are talking about but I can assure you I do not and HAVE not had a girlfriend. Okay? I would never use you like that, I would never in a million years make you 'fall for me just for fun.' The fact you think I'd EVER do that is astonishing to me. I honestly thought you knew me better." He said, only sadness evident in his voice. It even broke a few times, meaning he was on the verge of tears.

"Who's Addison?" She asked bitterly. When Meredith asked who she was, Derek was taken aback and looked shocked. "Exactly, you don't get to act stupid with me. I knew it. I freaking knew it. You're a liar, a liar and a manipulating ass. Just leave me alone." She added before walking onto the street curb and burying her head in her hands. She knew she told him she wasn't ready, and he promised to wait. He promised her he would never get bored, it was all a lie. He was never willing to wait. He always had someone, and she was supposed to stay at his house? She was supposed to live there knowing that he was most likely in his room macking on some girl.

Though they weren't official, they had a mutual understanding of their feelings. Meredith and Derek were pretty much dating without declaring that they were dating. How could he do this to her? Between the few months at Springwood recovering, and the week she had been at his house, Meredith felt like she was falling in love. He truly made her believe that she could become someone; she could have a good life. But as a lot of things in her life turned out, he was just lying, whatever his reasoning was she didn't know but she did know it hurt so badly.

She was so wrapped in her own thoughts and heartbreak that she didn't know Derek had immediately followed her and was rubbing her back as she cried. He took a deep breath before saying, "Meredith will you please listen to me?" He asked, lifting her chin up and placing her hair behind her ears.

"What else do you want to tell me? You were going to wait until I got ready enough to bone you, then you'd leave? Because if it is, I'd rather not hear it." When she said this he felt his entire body cringe, how could she ever think that?

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey, don't you ever say that again. You know I would never do that to you. I would never use you in that way. I would never use your body in that way. What I was TRYING to say was, Addison was my best friend in middle school. We're in band together. She was helping me with something."

"Ha! What, did you forget how to put your lips on the mouth piece so she had to help you? Thanks for sharing really." She spat.

"Stop! It is not like that okay? I am working on something for YOU if you really want to know. She was just helping me okay? God, can you not have a little faith in people?" Derek confessed, causing Meredith to start crying all over again. "What?" He asked sincerely.

"I'm so sorry, I'm such a bitch. I'm so rude, I shouldn't have been eavesdropping anyways, but your mom left a note on the fridge saying that an Addison called and I thought maybe it was family so I went to give you the note and I heard.. I heard.." She said breaking into a sob. Derek immediately picked her up and hugged her as tight as he could without hurting her. "I heard you say you loved her and would be lost without her. I'm so incredibly sorry. I deserve anything you want to throw at me."

"Oh god, don't be sorry. I didn't know you could hear. I promise she is just my friend; I would never ever do that to you. I couldn't ever feel that way about anyone else. You're not anything you just said, it was all a misunderstanding. I get it, but next time will you talk to me about it? Please?" Derek said, finally fully understanding what happened. She was jealous. Though he was hurt about all she said to him and hurt about the entire night, he couldn't help but feel a little happy that she was jealous. It meant she truly cared about him and didn't want him to move on.

"I'm sorry. I should've let you talk, I shouldn't have just assumed. But something inside me went crazy as soon as I heard it. I've never felt it before so I didn't know how to control it. All I knew how to do was run. Run from you, this situation, this feeling, everything. I ran."

"That feeling? It's called jealousy." Derek smiled. "You were jealous about me possibly having another girl in my life."

"Jealousy? NO! I would know what that feels like and plus, I'm not a jealous type of person. So you can just take that idea and shove it."

"Meredith was jealous! And now she won't admit it." Derek winked. He was glad to see her now only faking anger, and trying to hide the jealousy. That meant things were good, for now. He wasn't sure what to do now, he knew they had to get home since it was getting close to 1am and his curfew was 1am. He pulled out his cell phone and texted his mom asking her to come get them, assuring her that everything was okay.

"I was not jealous. I have no reason to be jealous, right?" She asked curiously. She needed to know before she did what she was about to do. Though she was scared to want him, and she was scared to try this, she wanted to. Something inside her was telling her to make a move. To kiss him. She could only hope he would do the same, feel the same.

"Of course you have no reason to be jealous. I would never in a million years look at another person the way I look at you." He admitted honestly. It was the first time even he realized it, but Meredith seemed to be it for him. He didn't want anyone else. This was shocking to him, and he was so wrapped up in this thought that he didn't even realize Meredith leaning in with her eyes closed and her lips slightly puckered. Was she seriously doing this? Did she really want to kiss him?

Derek was so astounded by the fact that she was making the first move that all he did was stand there, and stare. When he finally spoke all he said was, "My mom's here." He wanted to kiss her, so badly, but he was scared that if he did she wouldn't feel something she needed and wouldn't want him. He knew she wasn't ready for a relationship so why was she trying to kiss him? He was confused and she was broken yet again.

"I can tell. I have eyes you know." She huffed before walking to the car.

"Meredith wait. Please?" Derek said, realizing that he just rejected her without knowing it. "It's not what you think."

"It never is, I get it. You have such strong feelings for me, but when I'm finally able to make a move you back off. I get it, you aren't physically attracted to me." Meredith said as Derek went to his mom and begged for 30 more minutes. She reluctantly agreed and turned the car around and left.

"Do you seriously think I'm not physically attracted to you? Are you blind? I'm so physically attracted to you it's probably not healthy. And I'm okay with that, really I am. I didn't mean to come off like I was rejecting you. Because I wasn't."

"So just leaving me standing there like a lame ass loser was all because you're so attracted to me? I get it okay? Just stop with the games. You're screwing with my head." And in this moment, Meredith had a surge of words come to her. She always had a music talent that no one knew about. But when her mother was never home she had to do something, so she taught herself to play the piano and she listened to old singers like Etta James and Judy Garland with people like Celine Dion and other great singers mixed in., developing a pretty good voice.

She knew she had to remember these words in her head so she could write it, play the chords, and see how it sounded. Maybe one day she'd remind Derek of this day and the song that came out of it.

"Meredith, I was thinking about what I had just admitted to you, how you were it for me. It was as big of a confession to me as it was to you. I was wrapped in my own thoughts and wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry."

"Whatever, I just, I want to go home. I'm tired." She half choked, half said. She would not cry; she just had to hold out until she got home and could pull out her mini keyboard and play all night. It always helped her feel better.

"Okay." Derek said defeated. He had just fixed a catastrophe and caused another one. How would she ever be able to trust him enough to be in a relationship with him if he kept doing things like this? "My mom's coming around the corner right now." Meredith didn't reply, she just sat on the curb until Carolyn pulled up. Then she slowly got into the back seat while Derek climbed into the passenger seat, and Mrs. Shepherd drove the 2 minutes it took to get back to the house.

Once they arrived home, Meredith got out of the car and ran inside while Derek just stared out the window. "Derek dear, you need to go in." Carolyn said sweetly. "Do you need to talk?" She asked noticing his expression.

"I rejected her. It was a total accident, but I rejected her and now it's awkward between us." Derek admitted to his mother.

"How did you reject her? She didn't go for a kiss or something and you stood there right? Please tell me that's not the case."

"It is ma, I didn't mean to.. I was wrapped in my own thoughts, then I was shocked that she was making a move when I knew she wasn't ready so I was scared that she was just doing it to make sure she would feel something." He said getting out of the car.

"Derek, that poor girl. I get your side too, but she jumped and you didn't catch her. I'm not going to say anything other than fix it. That surprise you have? Speed it up. You need to show her you care. Talk is cheap. Okay?" Carolyn said as they walked up into the house.

"You're right ma. Then again, you always are."

"Not always, there was that time I thought I was wrong, but I turned out to be right so I guess I am always right." She laughed.

"Only you ma. Only you." Derek smiled.

"Goodnight son. I love you." Carolyn said as she headed up the stairs to her room.

"Night ma, love you too." He replied before trudging up the stairs to his room, but on the way he heard a beautiful sound coming from Meredith's room. Someone was playing a piano… no a keyboard. He wanted to go see if it was the radio or a CD, but he didn't want to see Meredith broken again so he instead took a shower, and headed to bed.

**A/N: So…. What do we think? Love it? Hate it? Next update, they both share their musical surprises. I hope y'all don't think the music stuff is stupid… I was listening to this song the entire time I wrote this update and I thought it would fit in. Especially with what happened tonight, I wanted to post the lyrics as Meredith though of them, but I thought it would be better to just wait until she preformed it. Anyways, comments/input/reviews are ALWAYS appreciated. Update will be up sometime tomorrow depending on if I do anything. (Which I shouldn't but who knows…) **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I read spoilers and had a freak out so I didn't want to risk this chapter sucking because of that. I'm all good now. Okay, so I have an idea but I'm only going to use it if y'all approve of the music, mostly Meredith's music. And I'm sorry this update is late, I'm trying to bond with my sister as much as possible before she goes to college in 2 weeks. D: ANYWAYS! I like to over play songs when I write, depending on the mood of the chapter. Random fact about me.(:**

Meredith sat up all night, writing and playing, changing chords and attempting to make this perfect. This song was pretty much her feelings about her relationship with Derek in a nut shell. She thought she loved him and she wanted him to feel the same, she would do anything for him to feel the same. But it couldn't be forced, if he didn't love her she'd find a way to move on. _Meredith, what the hell are you thinking? Of course he loves you. Have you not seen all he has done for you? How many times he told you that you were the only one for him and he would wait? What is wrong with you?_

The "angel" on her right side was saying all this while the "devil" on her left contradicted. _Meredith! He's a guy, you know what guys do? They leave, they make you fall for them and give you all these things that make you trust them then they ditch you. Remember your father? He left you all alone. Why do that to yourself again? _

Having this debate with herself was not helping the giant fog covering her brain. She had no idea what to think. First, she thought he had a girlfriend, and then he rejected her. Derek promised it wasn't intentional, that he was having an epiphany at the exact same moment Meredith decided to lean into the fear. What did that even mean? _Lean into the fear._ Crap. Psych was crap. She wanted to trust the feeling in her heart, but her mind was saying run. Would she let her emotions guide her way through this mess? Take a leap of faith? Or would she stick with the norm and run so far away, there would be no redemption for anyone.

The words seemed to pour out of her, voicing her flaws, her fears, and her feelings. Her feelings towards Derek, her feelings when she's around him, and what she needs from him; he would probably think it was a little bitter coming from her, but honestly it wasn't. This was everything she needed to say at this moment in time, and if he ever heard it, she would make sure to voice that. Just in case he had feelings for her as well, he needed to know that the song voiced both sides. It voiced what was in her heart, what she thought he deserved to know. Meredith decided she would play this for him, and his family if they wanted, after he gave her his surprise; hopefully it didn't kill the mood. While spending most of the night writing and tweaking, making sure everything was perfect, she didn't realize that it was two a.m and though it was technically Saturday, the Shepherds got up way too early for her liking. She would get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep at most. Finally feeling comfortable with her work, Meredith put the keyboard on the ground and fell into a short slumber.

"Meredith dear! Mer! Breakfast is ready." Carolyn yelled from the base of the stairs. 7:30am was the time that blinked on the clock in front of Meredith. She got an extra two hours than normal, which was surprising. As she got up and headed towards the stairs, she noticed Derek was up and had already showered and dressed for the day. It looked like he was playing guitar… and singing? This was already too much information to process so early in the morning. "Oh and dear? Get Derek for me. Thank you!" Carolyn added with a chipper tone. This family was way too happy, way too early.

"Urm Derek?" Meredith said as she cautiously approached his room running her hands through her messy pink locks. He was mesmerized, no doubt about it.

"Yeah?" He said solemnly, obviously still sad about the night before.

"Your mom said to get you to go downstairs, sorry I bugged your playing." She replied with the same tone as his and she started to turn and leave.

"You're never a bother. I don't know how much you believe me right now, but it's true." Derek replied, walking out of his room and joining her. They were both surprised at the sight before them, it was the biggest, most gourmet breakfast either had ever seen. "Wow ma, what's the occasion?"

"What this?" Mrs. Shepherd smiled. "Everyone had a rough night last night so I decided maybe a nice breakfast would help."

"You're definitely speaking my language." Meredith giggled. Ever since she had started recovery, she realized how much she missed food. And though she wanted to be healthy and exercise, she wasn't allowed to until she surpassed the goal weight by 2lbs. Even then she could only do brisk walking, no one wanted her losing weight again. Meredith had weekly trips to the nutritionist and to her personal therapist.

"I'm glad, now don't let it get cold. And I'd hurry before the sisters get here, they eat almost as much as Derbear here." Carolyn smiled. Meredith wanted to ask about Derbear, but she knew better than to do that right now. Things were so awkward between them and she didn't like it. It was almost like you could cut the tension with a knife.

"Yes ma'am!" Was all Meredith said before diving into the food, with Derek right behind her. About five minutes later four distinct laughs emerged from the base of the stairs, heading for what was left. The sisters all loved Meredith, but they hadn't clicked yet. Mostly because of Meredith's awkwardness around strangers; that made things harder.

Once everyone had their plates made and were gathered around the table, they exchanged in small talk about current events, summer plans, and everything else. It was mostly the sisters and Carolyn talking, asking Meredith and Derek random questions that neither paid attention to. They were too busy thinking about where they stood with each other, and stealing the occasional glances. Once everyone finished, Derek stood up nervously and cleared his throat to quiet everyone.

"Um, guys, sorry girls, ladies, whatever you get it.. I wanted to make an announcement, obviously." Derek rambled… _And I thought I rambled._ Meredith thought to herself. "Anyways, I know you all have noticed that I started playing my guitar again. Well, I wrote a song and I'd like to play it for everyone." He said, then turning to Meredith adding, "Especially you." He was pleading through his eyes, hoping she would accept. When she gave him a slight nod, he grabbed her hand and they all walked into the living room. "I'll be back." Derek said before running upstairs to grab his acoustic guitar.

"He plays guitar?" Meredith asked quizzically.

"Beautifully." Carolyn answered.

"It's one of his greatest talents. Our dad taught him how before he, you know… it was their thing even though he was so young." Kathleen added. "Once dad died, he completely abandoned it. We thought he'd never play again." When they saw Derek reappear, all six women turned to face him.

"I just want to add, before I play, it sounds like it's about a prostitute, but I swear it's not. I only used a prostitute as an example." Derek said, earning strange looks from everyone especially Meredith. "Just give it a chance okay?" He whispered, looking Meredith directly in the eye. "It's about, someone very special to me. And though I do not think of her in this way, never would, I needed to express my feelings towards her. Remind her that they are genuine, so just please don't judge the book by its cover."

"Derek, we know it's about Meredith, we honestly don't care how you approached it, we just want to hear it already." Nancy said, pulling him and Meredith from their bubble.

"Oh right. Okay here we go." Was the last thing Derek said before starting to play and sing.

_Beauty queen of only eighteen  
She had some trouble with herself  
He was always there to help her  
She always belonged to someone else_

I drove for miles and miles  
And wound up at your door  
I've had you so many times but somehow  
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved  
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful  
I know I tend to get insecure  
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along  
My heart is full and my door's always open  
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved  
She will be loved

I know where you hide  
Alone in your car  
Know all of the things that make you who you are  
I know that goodbye means nothing at all  
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

Derek sang and played the song with tears in his eyes, showing his feelings were shining through. He was trying to show Meredith how he felt and if he had to write about a man loving a hooker to do it, it didn't matter. He just hoped Meredith would understand what he meant, dig deeper into the words._ "I know I tend to get so insecure, doesn't matter anymore." _Talking about the kiss, or lack of a kiss. _"Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while."_ Bringing Meredith home with his family to stay. _"She will be loved."_ That one explained itself.

Derek wasn't the only one in tears by the end, Carolyn was crying as well. Though Meredith wasn't crying, her bright green eyes were soaked with unshed tears. She understood where he was coming from with this song. "Derek." She breathed. "That was beautiful." Carolyn automatically agreed, showing her acceptance by jumping up and wrapping her arms very tightly around Derek.

"Love you too ma." He choked. "But you're hurting me." Carolyn released him, smoothing her shirt before saying..

"I'm sorry son, but that song, it was beautiful. Truly beautiful, and now I get the prostitute reference." She smiled before moving out of the way as all sisters congratulated him on playing again and doing it so well.

Everyone was getting up to go about their day, mostly let Meredith and Derek talk, when Meredith stood up and said, "Wait. I have something I'd like to do. Stay here." She quickly said before running up the stairs and returning with a paper. "Can I pull the piano over here?" She asked, when no one answered she decided that their jaws open was good enough for a yes.

"Mer, you play?" Derek breathed astonished.

"Yeah." She blushed. "I've played for a really long time. I sing too, professional lessons. I had to do something with my spare time. But before I do this, I need to explain to everyone. After last night.." Meredith stopped when she saw Derek bow his head. "Let me finish, after last night, I was going through so many emotions. I felt them all really, well all the bad ones. Then I got inspired, it's always a strange but amazing feeling when a rush of words and chords just come over you, you can't help it.

So, while I was thinking and over thinking about all that happened, I started writing. This song is basically my feelings at this moment. Let me repeat for certain ears, **my feelings at this moment.** This always has the opportunity to change, but I also hope you all hear the positive side to this song, because there is one." She smiled before sitting on the piano bench and placing her bony fingers on the keys. "Here we go." She whispered to herself before beginning the song.

_Pardon me for my lack of excitement but I'm not entirely thrilled  
Stutter when I talk flail around as I walk yeah the moments been killed  
And I'm not good at this no not at all  
I'm not good at this_

I'm a wreck and I know it and I tend to show it every chance that I get  
Butterflies in disguise they just fly on by yeah they're making me sick  
They don't flutter about I'd do without  
All they do is kick

Mean it truly  
Sincere heart  
Why do you do this to me?  
Tear me apart

It's my fault and I know it and I tend to blow it no thanks to you  
It's like you sit and you watch me you poke and you taunt me it's all that you do  
And I'm not fighting that no not at all  
Just want to be something a name you call  
The lips you taste just to fall  
Madly in love

Mean it truly  
Sincere heart  
Why do you do this to me?  
Tear me apart

I've got my eye set on you  
My heart is burning red  
All of my words come out wrong  
Run circles in my head  
You had me and I melted  
In the palm of your hand  
You know it yes I felt it  
You'll never understand

Mean it truly  
Sincere heart  
Why do you do this to me?  
Tear me apart

Mean it truly  
Sincere heart  
Why do you do this to me?  
Tear me apart.

Meredith performed her song with her eyes closed the entire time, which is good because if she didn't she would've seen 6 pairs of eyes on her, watching. Staring in amazement. No one had ever known that Meredith Grey could play the piano, or sing for that matter. It was amazing because she truly was really good. Once she finished, she wiped her eyes, which were still closed, and sat there. Even she didn't know how powerful the song would be on her, this was the first time she had sang it. She didn't notice the sisters and Carolyn whisper their astonishment and compliments towards the song and leave, or the fact that Derek sat down next to her and was just looking at her.

"Meredith?" He choked out. "Do I really tear you apart?" He asked, lifting her chin up and wiping her tears.

"You confuse me." Meredith whispered. "You tell me all these things you want with me and from me, but when I finally feel ready you back away. You pull off. It seems like you're all talk and no game. It's not the easiest thing to deal with." She added looking away.

"Meredith, don't you get it? You're the love of my life. I know we're so young and I sound like a complete moron, but something in me just knows. Even knowing all this, me voicing that to you last night made me finally realize it. Officially, it was set in stone in that moment. I didn't even notice you moved to be honest, and I was scared. I was scared that maybe I had said too much. That I had scared you off. I know how fragile you are, and I don't want to mess things up anymore than I have. I'm so sorry."

Meredith sat there, staring at him for a very long time, it seemed like a million years to him, but when she finally spoke all she said was, "Kiss me." And this time, Derek Shepherd did exactly that.

**A/N: So? What'd ya think? Did you hate it? Did you like it? Maybe even love it? I hope y'all understand the songs I chose to use and why I did. I tried to include my reasoning inside the story. It's really about digging deeper than the surface of the songs. ANYWAYS, I wanted this to be longer, but once I wrote the last sentence I felt it was perfect. I couldn't make myself add more, so I hope that's okay also. I have a few ideas for this story involving Crowen.(that's the name right?) anywho, I hope y'all are still enjoying this story! I have a party tomorrow night, but I will try to at least start a chapter. Until next time! **

**AHHHH! I forgot to give the songs credit!**

**Derek's song: She Will Be Loved "Maroon 5" .com/watch?v=2QKLdzqmYLA**

**Meredith's song: Pardon Me "He is We" .com/watch?v=Nz_7bmoGYLg&feature=related**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I totally did not know it had already been a week. I'm terribly sorry. Life has not been my friend.. Plus, I saw that people wanted this kiss to be described so I had to do my research on how to do it.. ANYWAYS,,, I thought since last chapter was fluff, and the 2 before that were romantic drama… we'd have some drama that relates to the beginning of the story. Their problems. Mostly Meredith's... **

"_Kiss me" Meredith said. And this time, Derek Shepherd did exactly that._

Derek got up from his knees, picked Meredith up from the piano bench, and ran his hand along her cheek. He inhaled her lavender scent before putting his hand through her hair and pulling her to him. Meredith instantly reacted, putting her hands through his hair while looking into his beautiful baby blue eyes. She saw the desire in them; he honestly wanted to kiss her. He wanted to know what she tasted like, would it be flowery like her hair? Or minty from the tooth paste? Derek was staring right back into her bright green eyes that reflected the same desire as his.

What he also noticed was, since they were so close, Derek could hear Meredith's heart racing. She was nervous, or maybe excited. It was probably a mixture of both; she had told him that she had never kissed a boy before. She didn't do the relationship thing so while she was excited, she was scared. The fact that Derek would be Meredith's first kiss made his heart swell, he wanted to be her first for everything and for her to be most of his firsts. As he inched closer to her, he not only felt her heart speed up, but the lavender scent strengthened. He was intoxicated by her. All he wanted was more.

Meredith watched Derek's every move. She was terrified; she'd never done this before. It took enough guts just to tell him to do it. As the words came out, she regretted them. What if he rejected her again? All these thoughts were pushed away now, as she was still staring at him, going from his gorgeous eyes to his lips. She was entranced by him, he was beautiful, well he was hot and sexy, but he was also beautiful. Even with the afro, that she had tamed, and the mild case of acne. He was a sight to see, to her anyways. As she watched his movements, how he stared at her lips and back to her eyes, almost asking for permission, she noticed something. He had a smell; it was just as entrancing as he said her lavender scent was.

Only she couldn't figure out what it was, how could she name it, he smelled like a mixture of himself and a cologne, but which scent was stronger? Meredith couldn't tell but honestly didn't care, she was done with details, she wanted to kiss him 2 minutes ago. When Derek wrapped his free hand around her waist and pulled her deeper into his chest, her body started shivering. She was so ready, all nerves had been replaced with anticipation. He was playing with her and she knew it, so she grabbed a handful of Derek's thick black hair and finally made their lips come together. At first it was soft, just skin on skin, then the hormones kicked in, intensifying everything. Their mouths parted and Meredith silently gave Derek permission to do whatever, taking her cue he deepened the kiss. Slowly sliding his tongue into her mouth and they began the exploring process. While their tongues danced together in unison, Derek's hands began exploring Meredith. Going from her back, to her hips and grazing every inch.

The feeling of finally being physically connected to Derek made everything 10x more intense for Meredith. She was a natural, with his guiding and silently helping her, everything became heated and filled with passion. It was almost a burning feeling on her lips, the best kind of burn though. One she never wanted to go away. Meredith herself began to get wandering hands, massaging his back, then his sides and his chest, before returning her hands to his hair. She loved his hair, she never wanted to leave this moment where everything seemed perfect. Maybe she could have a relationship with him, or was it just the heat of the moment, hormone induced courage? This was something she had to think about, later. Right now, everything was becoming fuzzy, trying not to get lost in the moment, Meredith started to observe everything possible. She pictured what his face looked like behind her closed eyes, paid close attention to the way he tasted. I was a mixture of his Colgate toothpaste and the sweetness of the pancakes.

It was one of the best things she had ever tasted, probably just because it was Derek, but Meredith didn't care. She continued to notice little details, the way his hands on her made her shiver unintentionally, how she felt at complete bliss, and the footsteps coming into the living room…

Derek was lost in the aroma that was Meredith. She smelled of lavender, she tasted like perfection, it was heavenly. Was it mint? Or did her tooth paste have a fruity extract? While kissing her, he tried to focus more on this; he had to figure out. A few seconds past before he figured it out, between the shared moans of pleasure, he realized her taste. It was her strawberry mint tooth paste and her super mint mouthwash beautifully mixed together. He would have to remember to compliment her on her excellent dental hygiene, if that wasn't weird? He felt like he could physically feel Meredith's fears melt away, he just hoped that he was right. Derek wanted to be with her more than anything, and he was so wrapped in his thoughts, as well as making sure he was showing Meredith his "skills" that he didn't hear his mother slowly walk into the living room…

"Derek! Meredith!" Carolyn exclaimed, she knew the two children really liked each other and she wasn't mad that they were making out in her living room. Mostly shocked, she didn't expect to see this, he's her only son. Her baby boy and he was kissing!

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Mrs. Shepherd, that was… urm, that was.. it just happened. I'm sorry, so so sorry." Meredith rambled and when she noticed Derek was laughing she swat his arm. "Do not laugh at your mother!" She said sternly.

"Mer, did you breathe during that sentence?" He laughed, earning him another slap. "And she's laughing too!" Derek pointed out.

"I was just wanting to tell you we were heading out for lunch, and it was time to go." Carolyn smiled. "We'll be in the car." She added before heading out the door. Derek wrapped Meredith in a big hug and whispered,

"You're a natural you know?" Before winking and leaving her standing there. Meredith instantly ran for the door, blocking him and kissing him again.

"You're not too shabby yourself." She added with a wink before prancing out the door and into the car, with Derek close on her heels. The drive to the restaurant was pretty quick since the car talk kept them all entertained. Neither Derek, Carolyn, nor Meredith even mentioned the scene from this morning, but the sisters knew something. They always did. When they got to the place, they were seated and handed their menus making small talk while looking for something to eat.

"So Meredith, what are you wanting to get?" Derek asked lightly.

"I don't really know, I'm not all that hungry so probably something small." She replied her eyes not leaving the menu.

"What? We ate at like 7:30am and it's now 3pm, you have to be starving."

"Well, I'm not. Why does it matter?" Meredith asked, starting to get a tad angry.

"It matters.." Derek said before whispering, "it matters because you are a recovering anorexic and you need to get healthy."

"Okay, last time I checked you weren't my therapist, my doctor, or my food advisor so your input or 'words of wisdom' are not needed." Meredith said a little louder than a whisper before getting up to get some air. The only thing that stopped her was Derek's hand grabbing her arm. "You have two seconds to let me go." When he didn't let up she started counting, "One.." She was about to say two when Derek jerked up and escorted her outside.

"Meredith, what the hell?" He asked sternly.

"Me what the hell? What about you? You are not my father, or my boyfriend or anything for that matter. Therefore you do not have permission to talk to me like that and you damn sure do not get to grab my arm or lead me out of a restaurant. What is wrong with you? Seriously."

"Mer, I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to have a relapse, I'm just so…" He was pleading with her almost but she cut him off.

"I do not care. I am fine, okay? Not eating on purpose never entered my head. I am sorry I wasn't hungry but if it will make YOU happy, then I will shove the biggest plate possible down my throat but when I throw up all over you because it was too much food, I doubt you will be happy." She added before going back inside, leaving Derek to his thoughts. What had he done? This was something that definitely needed fixing…

**A/N: I am sooooo sorry that this is so short.. It's not even 2,000 words when normally they're almost 3,000 words. It's just I'm incredibly tired and I have to be awake in about 5 hours and I'll be up all day. But I noticed I was slacking on this story so I wanted to give y'all something. The next update will totally make up for this one's shortness. Ahh, I hate that it's short… anyways.. please comment and do your thing! I promise promise promise there will be a longer update in the next few days. :D Ps- there might be a side of Derek that is over protective and it just might make an appearance,,, a side no one will like, but don't worry no abuse will be involved. I couldn't do that.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hey, so sorry. I've just been mega busy... and now my sister lives in her college dorm. Sad day. Anyways,. here ya go. I hope you like it.**

_I told another lie today  
And I got through this day  
No one saw through my games  
I know the right words to say  
Like "I don't feel well"  
"I ate before I came"_

Then someone tells me how good I look  
and for a moment  
For a moment I am happy  
But when I'm alone  
No one hears me cry

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful  
The day I chose not to eat  
What I do know is how I changed my life forever  
I know I should know better  
There are days when I'm okay  
And for a moment  
For a moment I find hope  
But there are days when I'm not okay  
And I need your help  
So I'm letting go

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own  
These secrets are walls that keep us alone  
I don't know when but I know now  
Together we'll make it through somehow  
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day

Meredith sat in her room on her keyboard, thinking, over processing, and singing. After they all got home from the restaurant, Derek had tried talking to her, pleading that she see things from his point of view... that only fueled her anger towards him. How dare he? Was he allowed to care and worry? Absolutely, if he didn't, she'd be worried. But getting onto her at the restaurant like he was her father, forcing her to order something and eat it, then get mad when she said she didn't feel good? That was so far over the line it's not even funny. She ran up to her room, shut and locked the door, and just started writing. The words seemed to flow out of Meredith's head, in reality the song wrote itself. The mood was there and that just made everything flow out. It was the truth, Meredith was not alright. She needed help, Dereks help, and when he was too busy yelling at her or forcing her to eat he couldn't be there for her. He promised no matter what that he'd be there, he'd help, but here he was making it all worse for her. Making Meredith's struggles even harder to bear. All she wanted to was run far away, go to a dark corner, and sit there. Just forget it all.

(FLASHBACK.)

_"Meredith. What is your problem?" Derek gritted through his teeth. He had walked her outside for a 'chat.'_

_"What are you talking about? I tried to tell you I wasn't hungry. I have a very small stomach." She replied._

_"A very small stomach? That's because you DIDN'T FEED YOURSELF." He yelled, people started to look over, causing Meredith to grab his arm and yank him towards the car._

_"No you dumb shit. I have a small stomach, partially from the not eating.-" _

_"I'm not the dumb one. You don't eat, you lose weight causing your stomach to shrink. You don't have to remind me. I can look at you and tell." Derek cut her off, fuming._

_"NO!" She yelled, matching his tone. "I have a small stomach on the inside! When I didn't eat, it caused my stomach to supress in size and causes the appetite and ability to consume food decrease. Mkay?" _

_"You know how you fix that? By EATING!" He yelled, shoving her to-go box at her. "You can eat it later, as long as it's gone by the time dinner is ready."_

_"You know what? I won't eat it. I. Am. Not. Hungry. And you are not my father! You do not get to tell me when my food will be eaten. Who do you think you are? Not only are we not related, you are not my boyfriend. You aren't my ANYTHING. So you have no say in my life." She said, startung to turn on her heel to leave._

_"You live in my house." Was all Derek said as she started walking. This caused her to whip around and get right in his face.._

_"Derek Shepherd, I do not live in YOUR house, I live in your MOTHER's house. Okay? Get that through your thick skull." She snarled before flicking his head and marching off._

_(END)_

He yelled at her, treated her like she was his property... or even his kid. Derek had no right to do this, then when they got back he tried apologizing. He wanted her back under his wing, for her to trust that he wouldn't do this again.. though they both knew he would. He'd never stop as long as they were together in any way. Meredith could only hope it wouldn't turn into abuse, well she wouldn't let it. Why was he like this? So possessive of her... he was never like this before. Sure he dropped signs of pushing her towards eating, but this was all new to her. How would she handle it?

Derek was furious. After the fight he had with Meredith, his mother gave him a long lecture about treating Meredith like she deserves to be treated. Carolyn also included that he had absolutely no right to say the things he said, or force Meredith to eat. In the end, Derek saw the error of his ways, and tried apologizing. He wanted Meredith to realize that he was just trying to take care of her, he was full of good intentions. Why couldn't she see that? Maybe he was a little harsh, but it seemed like that would be the only way things would get through to Meredith. She was so stubborn, this was proven when she refused to accept his apology. It was when he walked to her bedroom door that he heard her angelic voice. She was singing something he hadn't heard before, was it hers? It would have to be new... He had to find out.

"Meredith?" He whispered as he opened the door.

"What?" She smoothly replied.

"That song. Is it new?" Derek asked, half knowing the answer.

"Why do you care? What is it time for you to force feed me? Did you buy a high chair and a bib for me and I need to call you daddy?" She snarled.

"Why are you being like this? I apologized!" Derek bit back.

"Apologized? You said,. 'You should listen to me, but I guess I was rude. Sorry' then walked off! Who calls that an apology?" Meredith yelled.

"I DO!" He yelled back. "And the fact that you are being stubborn and not accepting this, shows you are not stable enough to do this alone. I have to guide you."

"GUIDE ME? You will do no such thing. You will leave me alone, I can do this on my own..." She said, suddenly remembering the song she just wrote that contradicted her statement.

"Oh really? Then what's this?" He asked, walking towards the keyboard and ripping the lyrics off the table, before he could read it Meredith yanked it away from him and yelled,

"GET. OUT. NOW." She stretched it out making sure he understood she was serious. When he left, Meredith sunk down to the floor in complete disbelief. She could not believe what just happened, he totally invaded her space. How could she possibly trust someone like this? How did she know that he wouldn't get worse, maybe next time he'd start controlling what she did and when.

Meredith was a strong girl, a force to be reckoned with really, so she would not stand for abuse. Meredith would not let herself sacrifice her well being for someones love. Before "talking" to Derek again, Meredith needed to have a chat with Mrs. Carolyn Shepherd...

**A/N: Okay, so... I hope you don't hate me. :l haha. Anyways, Derek WILL NOT in ANY ways be abusive. No way, no how, nuh uh. Never never ever ever ever never. Get it? Never. Not in a trillion years. He is just concerned, and this is the only way he knows how to work things. Meredith on the other hand, has dealt with lots of abuse. (her mother) so she knows when and when not to leave. I tried to make it obvious that she knew he wasn't truly like this, just having a bad patch.**

**Next update, both Meredith and Derek will talk to Mama and she will attempt to fix what's been torn. Meredith and Derek will obviously talk sometime soonish and Derek will show his true reaction to the song. PS- The song is called "Courage" by Superchik. Review?**

**I just realized how short this is... I thought it was soooooo much longer. Sorry! I promise they will get long again! My Word isn't working so I have to use other forms of typing. Anyways.. the next one will hopefully be at least 2,500., Goal is 2,900-3,000.**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: So... school started Tuesday. Makes writing loads harder, and we haven't done anything important yet. Boo. So updates may slow down which makes me sad. Sorry! As promised, this one will be loooong. Hoping to break 3,000. Got lots to cover so it should work. Enjoy!**

"Carolyn? Can I talk to you?" Meredith asked as she walked out onto the bacck porch.

"I've actually been waiting for oyu to come down here, either you or Derek." Carolyn smiled. "Come on and have a seat." Meredith walked over and sat in the chair next to Carolyn and sighed.

"What's wrong with him? I know he isn't like this, I can tell, but seriously? I can't take this much longer."

"I know dear. It's definitely not like Derek to be so possessive, overbearing, and pushy. He's normally very understanding, but he is very fond of you which makes him become a worry wart. He doesn't know how to process possibly losing someone ever since he lost his father, therefore he lashes out. But it is out of love, compassion, and pure worry.

I know my son better than anyone else, and I know that he is just scared something will happen to you."

"Why can't he understand that this is recovery? It's going to be slow, and excruciating, but I will get through it. I don't want to be that way anymore. Why can't he notice that I'm fighting every single day to get better, not only for myself but for him as well. I just want him to notice my progress and be proud. You know? I know that is incredibly stupid and makes me sound clingy, but it's true." Meredith said.

"I know, and I'm sure he sees it. He notices just how good you're doing, but it scares him when he sees even the slightest hint of a relapse coming. I am not defending him in any way because it is wrong, I'm just hoping I can help you start to see where he is coming from, because it's not easy especially now." Carolyn sighed.

"Are you sure? It seems like he just wants to control everything, and force me to do certain things that, may be good for me, but are just pushing me away. How can I know that this isn't just a side of him that will escalate and end up ruining us? If there ever is an 'us.'" Meredith responded, being completely honest about her thoughts and her fears. She trusted Carolyn and knew that she could be a tremendous help to their current situation.

"Now Meredith, you have to know this is not my son. He could never hurt a fly, in any way, I need you to understand that. He has this bad quality about him but he is no way near abusive. I know you're thinking that."

"No... okay yes, but I'm just scared. I know that something like that could never happen, but I've never seen this side of him before and it worries me. I don't want to be the one that makes him like this. I can't live like that." She sighed.

"You don't bring it out in him, he does. The fact that he supressed his true emotions for so long contributed to it. He never let anything out before, therefore he has no coping skills. He has made leaps and bounds though from where he used to be, but he still has a long way to go."

"Are you sure? I just feel like his life would be way easier without me. He wouldn't have to worry about what I ate, if I ate, or anything about me. He'd be happy." Meredith said, looking away.

"Meredith, he will forever worry about you, even if you two never become a thing, he will always care. My son is one who attaches to certain people, and if he attaches to you he never lets go. He cares about you so much, and he will do whatever he can for you. I think that is another reason he is doing this, he wants to prove he cares and is never going anywhere." Carolyn breathed, thinking about her son.

"Funny way of showing it. I understand what you're saying though. All he's doing is showing his compassion, but he's never dealt with anything like this so he doesn't know what to do and is panicking. Am I close?" Meredith smiled.

"At least one of you two understands the moral of my stories, I swear Derek is such a lost cause sometimes. I worry about him." She winked before noticing Derek was walking to the back door. "Speak of the devil..."

"Oh, uhm, I'll go. Thank you so much Carolyn." Meredith said with a slight smile before nodding at Derek and walking inside.

"Hey ma, what was that?" Derek asked his mother.

"Sit. Now. We need to talk." Carolyn ordered.

"I know, I was an ass- I mean.. a jerk. I was a horrible horrible jerk. When I tried to fix things, I heard some song about her not making it through the night and something about a light. I got so worried, that something came over me. Like a monster... It won't go away when she's around." Derek admitted.

"I know. This is new territory for you, you have no idea what to do or how to deal but dear, that does not mean be controlling and over bearing towards her. Especially considering how strongly you feel for the girl, she thinks this side of you is her fault and if she leaves you will finally be happy."

"What? No, that is the exact opposite. I am only happy when she is here, I don't know how to deal with the fact that she loathes eating, I know she is fighting to get better but why can't everything be better and we get our chance? Why can't she be ready? What can I do?"

"You're patient and you love her, you treat her like she deserves to be treated because she is fighting tooth and nail to make you proud, prove that she is changing for the good. Have you even noticed? Or are you letting the fear of losing her consume you, because if it's that one, things will fall apart. I can guarentee it. A little bit of fear is good, means you have something to lose, but the amount of fear you hold in your heart is entirely too much. Though she doesn't voice it, I know how Meredith feels about you."

"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like she feels anywhere near the same anymore, I know I'm not the nicest person, but it's because I worry. That is not an excuse at all and gives me absolutely no reason to act this way, but I can't help it. How do I get over this wretched feeling?" Derek asked.

"You trust her. You believe in her. You help her, but you;re gentle and sincere about it. If you try to control her, things will only end badly. Trust me." Carolyn replied

"You're right. I just need to give her space and watch her grow, with a little encouragement. She can do this, I know it." Derek smiled.

"So, you'll lay off and stop being rude?"

"Yes ma. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to fix." Derek said as he got up and walked towards the house.

"It's about time you listened to me!" Carolyn laughed. After Derek left, she started thinking about what both kids had said. It was obvious they had something, they knew each other for months inside the facility. Were together 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, and when you're with someone that long it's hard not to develop something. What these kids had though, was very strong and she didn't see it ending any time soon.

Derek walked up the stairs to his room wanting to prepare a speech and a really good apology, but was surprised to see Meredith sitting on his bed just staring at the wall. He walked behind her and sighed, causing her to turn around.

"Hey." She said looking up at him, "Can we talk?" Derek sat down on the bed next to her and wiped her hair behind her ears.

"Yes, I have things I need to say as well, but you go first." He replied, hoping what she was about to say wouldn't be too horrible.

"Okay, well, you know what I'm going to talk to you about right?" She asked, when he nodded she continued, "You have to know how bad it hurt me, I'm trying so hard here, and I was going to sing you that song to prove that even though I'm not okay yet... I'm fighting. I want to make you proud."

"I know, what I did and said to you was absolutely horrible. I cannot believe I ever acted that way, especially towards you. All I know is that I care about you and I worry about you so much. I can't lose you." He said stroking her cheek, when she put his hand down he looked at her shocked and confused.

"I need to finish. I talked to your mom and she helped me a lot, made me realize I lot of things but she isn't you so I need to make sure she was right. She say's she knows you the best, that you and her have a strong bond. So, I need you to tell me everything inside of your head, no matter how bad." Meredith said, looking down into her lap.

"Okay." Derek breathed. "I'm so worried about you, even if you just weren't hungry. Everytime you turn down food I think you're having a relapse so I go into protective, well over protective mode. I treated you like my property, which was so wrong I can't even put it into words. I have never dealt with anything like this since my father passing and I cannot lose you. I just can't.

But my mother made me realize so many things. She proved to me that you are fighting, everyday. Having small victories, and overcoming this little by little everyday. I thought again about that song I over heard.. it was letting me know that you may not be okay, but we will get through this. We will come out of this stronger.

Even though my worry may turn into fury, I need to stop and think about you. How you're doing, and the things you go through on a daily basis. I may miss my father until the day I die, but I overcame the want to hurt myself to feel. I overcame my weakness, and now I need to help you over come yours. And when I do this, I do not need to yell, or force you into things. I need to stand beside you and encourage you, tell you how great you're doing, and how proud I am.

I would take these little steps over not having you any day. When I promised to wait for you, that meant in every aspect possible, I guess I just forgot this one. And for that, I will forever be sorry. I know you probably think everything I have ever told you was a lie based on my actions, but I want you to know that I will prove the words I said to you are true. I will earn your trust and whatever you may have felt for me again.

And if I don't, I will forever care about you. Again, I know we are so young and this part is probably scaring you so badly, or making you angry, but these are things I need to say. I need to remind you how much I care for you, not just in words but in my actions. So from this day forward, I will spend every moment of my life proving how much I care. If you let me that is."

Meredith listened to every word that came out of his mouth, watched the way his lips moved, and how he gently licked his lips when they dried out. She studied his expressions, watched as his eyes dialated and how his eyes grew darker when he talked about his recent actions. She also watched his chest rise and fall as he breathed, Meredith studied every inch of him possible while listening to this beautiful speech. And when he was done, all she culd do was press her lips to his.

At first Derek was shocked at the action, but instantly melted into her. He could taste the salty tears on her lips that had recently fallen as he spoke. She ruffled his hair with her hands as he explored her long pink locks with his. Their tongues eventually met and danced with each other, as each young adult conveyed the sorrow and forgiveness that was mutually shared, This was bliss, and neither wanted it to end.

Derek could live in this moment with Meredith forever if it was possible, but oxygen was running short on both sides, so after prolonging the imminent seperation as long as possible... they each pulled away slowly. Desperate for air, but not wanting to end the moment. Derek was the first to speak...

"So I'm going to take that as a yes?" He smirked.

"It's more of a, 'I can't resist you, especially when you make amazing speech things like that.' type thing." Meredith replied smiling.

"Speech things? I poured my heart out." He chuckled.

"Which I greatly appreciate, and I want you to know that I do trust you. I do care deeply for you, just please don't scare me like that again. The way you've been treating me has been horrible, but your mother was right in everything she said."

"She does know me best. And I'm so sorry. But I did write something for you."

"You did? Can I hear it?" Meredith asked.

"Of course, basically it's another way of me apologizing. Just in case my 'speech thing' didn't fully work." He smiled, grabbing his guitar.

"Okay, well we'll pretend that it hasn't fully worked yet." She winked. "Now woo me, Mr. Shepherd."

"Here I go. You will be dazzled." Derek laughed as he started playing.

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you_

_It's all my fault today, I'm sorry for the way I was to you_

_It's all so wrong you see and I'm sorry for the words I say to you_

_But if you ask me I will go, anything for you_

_But if you ask me I will go, cause baby I need you_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me_

_Am I on my own today, all alone with nothing left to say_

_Can it all go back the way, it used to be when you were here with me_

_But if you ask me I will go, anything for you_

_But if you ask me I will go, cause baby I need you_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you. _

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me_

_Whoa Oh (3x) I want you to notice me cause I'm already lonely and I don't know what to do_

_You say I cant be honest with you, You say I cant be honest, well what now_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you_

_Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me_

_Whoa Oh (3x) I want you to notice me cause I'm already lonely and I don't know what to do_

_I don't know what to do baby, I don't know what to do_

_I don't know what to do baby, I don't know what to do._

"Wow." Was all Meredith could say. She was utterly speechless, his amazing speech, plus this song. She was in apology heaven. I mean, who else would do this for someone? Meredith knew Derek was special, and she needed to keep him but wow.

"So you like it?" He asked, feeling insecure at her reaction.

"Like it? I love it! Thank you so much. It was beautiful, and I fully forgive you as long as you promise to never treat me this way ever again. Can you do that?" She asked.

"Not only will I tell you I can do that, but I will show you. Forever, or as long as you will let me." Derek replied.

"Forever sounds nice, as long as you never leave me. I know I'm slow at admitting things and making jumps or falls or whatever I'm supposed to do, but it seems like you know how I feel without me having to say it and I am so very thankful for that. For you. We may be way too young to be saying this, but you bring light back into me. You _bring me to life._" Meredith said.

"You have saved me Meredith Grey, in more ways than I could ever tell you. So thank YOU, for not only being you, but for letting me be me no matter what. Even when I was treating you like dirt, which I will never do again, I will treat you better than a freaking princess and better than a queen, but you never tried to change me, you never left me. You helped me, guided me. And now it's my turn." Derek smiled.

All Meredith could do was pull him into another kiss to prove not only how much she forgave him, but how much she cared for him. She pulled him back into the bliss they both not only loved but never wanted to leave. Things would look up for these two, they already were.

**A/N: I just thought I'd say this... before this authors note..WE HIT 3,000 WORDS! :DDD sorry, I'm kinda proud of myself. I made myself explore more details and yada yada. So anywho,,, sorry this took me 3 days to write. I hope it was worth the wait. Ps- I hope y'all like the songs because I have yet another idea, hint* it was in italics about something Meredith said towards the end. But I will wait a while to use it.**

**The song used was called Apology by SafetySuit, which was recommended to me by "merdermcdreaming" You need to go read her stories because she is amazing. And she's a flippen sweet friend. Okay... well until next time. :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Okay, first off, I wanna apologize for how long this took. I have had basically NO time, and I'm severely sleep deprived. Haha, but I knew I needed to not abandon this story. Anyways, this is basically going to be a long happy chapter. I think we could use some MD teenage interaction, am I right?**

It had been about a month, and school was right around the corner, which meant... back to school parties. Derek was still an awkward band boy, but with Meredith's help he was slowly morphing into a god looking young man. Meredith and Derek were unofficially had been a good 8 months since they had met, and though it seems fast, the two have been inseperable and conjoined at the hip.

Things were going strongly in their favor, and it was a nice break from all the drama. Meredith was right at her goal weight, so no one really worried as much because she was incredibly happy and all her wounds had been masked by love from the Shepherds.

"Meredith, are you ready?" Derek called from the bottom of the stairs. When Meredith told him she wanted to go back blonde for the school year, he was shocked but then realized the school board would have a fit. "Let's go!" He hollered.

"Chill! I'm coming, but we are not doing the cliche stair thing!" She yelled back, walking out of her room in a black tunic and black tights with cute flats. When she saw that Derek was basically drooling, she added, "Your jaw is on the floor and we can't leave until you fix that."

"Sorry, you kind of do that to me." He winked. "You know we totally don't have to go to this party if you don't want to. I would understand."

"I'm fine, really. Things will be... fun? I've never been to a 'party' before. I want to expirence it." Meredith admitted.

"Well in that case, I'm glad I could be your date to your very first party." Derek smiled as the walked out the door. He was excited that he was getting a lot of her first times, yeah they weren't the first times most guys wanted, but these were perfect moments for him. Sometimes people questioned how he was only 17 when he acted so much older.

"Thank you." Meredith laughed as Derek opened her door, and she climbed in. "You do know, I'm a feminist." She giggled.

"Yeah well, chivalry hasn't died out yet, so get over it." He returned with a smile, reaching for her hand over the console. Things between them had gotten so comfortable, yet it was all fresh and exciting, a new life for the both of them. The drive to the party took about 20 min and they filled the time with laughs, radio jamming, and stolen kisses. When they pulled up Meredith froze in her seat. "What's wrong?" Derek asked, suddenly worried.

"I can't do this. I can't do it, let's go." Meredith said uneasily. She was so nervous, being around her future peers. What if she did something wrong? What if they hated her and made fun of her? Sure she normally didn't care about these things, but Derek was with her and that would make things 10 times worse. She needed to leave, let her fears stay at the party and go back to 5 minutes ago when everything was exciting.

"You can do this, I thought you wanted to expirence this for real? I know you're secretly scared of what they'll think but," He stopped when Meredith made a 'I do not!' look, adding, "I know you. Okay? I know what you're feeling, and it's completely okay. I understand. But you have me, and together we can do this. We will do this. You will have fun and everything will be okay. And if it's not, we'll leave, I just want you to get the expirence you've wanted. Okay?" He smiled.

"Okay, let's do this." She added, giving him a slight but tender kiss, "Thank you."

"For what?" Derek asked.

"Being you." Meredith replied, before kissing him again and walking hand in hand into the gathering.

"Same to you." Derek whispered in her ear as a few girl approached him.

"Hey there. Derek right?" A blonde with brown eyes asked.

"Uhm, yeah. I'm sorry, I don't think I know you?" He returned confused, and finding a way to shut her down. If there was one thing Derek could tell, it was when someone was flirting, especially this type of girl.

"Oh, I'm Terry. You know, captain of the cheer squad?" She said, someone not knowing her bruised her over inflated ego. "Who's this?" She added, pointing to Meredith.

"This is my girlfriend, Meredith." Derek replied with a smirk. When Meredith leaned closer into him, he suspected she knew what he was doing but whispered, "Sorry, had to use the word." Almost instantly, Meredith whipped around and planted one right on him, shocking both Terry and Derek.

"Hi, sorry, he's just soooooo sexy." Meredith winked in a mocking voice that made Terry leave. Once she was out of eye sight, Derek started cracking up. "What? She looked like she wanted to take you right here."

"Don't mind me, I liked the kissing. More kissing I say, plus you're kinda sexy when you're jealous." Derek laughed.

"I, Derek Shepherd, am not jealous. I just think it's funny how desperate some girls can be." She scoffed. "It's offensive to girls like me."

"Girls like you?" He asked, puzzled, but at the same time that she hadn't even addressed the fact that he used the infamous 'G' word. They had agreed that they weren't official yet, but they sure did act like it. This was one conversation that deifinitely needed to be had, especially after what's already happened tonight.

"Girls who prefer to be decent, and feminists. Especially the feminists." Meredith giggled. They were walking around the party now, and Meredith took note of how many girls checked out Derek, slowly forming a mental list. She would need to talk to him about this later, was it time to set him free? So many girls noticed him and could give him a lot more.

"Look, a dance floor." Derek exclaimed. "Ever danced in public?"

"No, but I thought you didn't either? Remember we talked about it, when I tried to get you to dance for me?"

"Yes, I remember that, but you haven't ever danced with someone before, and while this is a night of firsts.. why not?" Derek said, as he practically dragged her onto the dance floor. Just as they got on the floor, the song switched to a slow song, just Meredith's luck.

"Only me... This would only happen to me."

"What?" He replied, pulling her into his chest as she wrapped her arms around him and they began to sway along with the music. When she didn't reply, he lifted her chin and kissed her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Meredith replied, kissing him again then putting her head on his shoulder. The song was coming to an end, and the new song was upbeat, so Derek took her hand and guided her to the nearest bench.

"Meredith, I know you a little better than you think, a little more than I lead on, and a lot more than anyone else here. So, please tell me what is going through your head."

"It's stupid. Honestly, it's just me being stupid. Please don't worry about it."

'Meredith, nothing you say could ever be stupid. You could say 2 + 2 was 6 and I'd never question it. Please?" He was almost begging her to let him into her thoughts, he needed to know what was wrong with her becuase seeing her in pain, put him in pain.

"You so wouldn't, but thank you. It's just not all that easy watching all these girls check you out, and fawn all over you. It's intimidating becuase I know how much better they probably are. You don't see how they look at you, it's like they want to eat your face. Right here, not caring that I'm here or that you might be with me."

"Meredith. Do you not notice all the guys looking at you? How many times I've had to give a 'back off before I kill you' look? No, you probably didn't, just like I haven't noticed any girls. You know why? I'm too busy thinking about how pretty you are. How much I care about you, and how glad I am to be here with you. Do you honestly think I'd trade you for some fake orange girl who's about as deep as a kiddy pool?

These girls are no where near my type, you are. Only you, okay? There's never going to be another person. Even if things between us never form into something official, you're it for me. I know it. Okay?" Derek said, kissing her passionately, hoping to show her everything he was saying.

"There were guys? I didn't notice anyone, I guess you're just that good looking and charming. Thank you, for everything. Listening to me, not thinking I'm crazy, and most importantly, choosing me. I want you to know that I pick you, I choose you. Always." She replied, trying to subtly hint at something that he obviously caught onto.

"Mer, do you mean what I think you mean? Are you saying we're- you know... Official?" Derek asked in awe of her.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm ready, and it's all thanks to you. So like I said, thank you." She said again before kissing him yet again. Things were finally moving forward for them, and now that they had all this scary unofficial grey lines behind them, they could finally breathe. Work on things as an official couple. Sort out the mumbo Derek had been avoiding and walking around because of her fears.

This didn't mean the fears were gone, it just meant that she was ready to have his help. She was finally accepting everything she felt for him, and wanting to push forward.

_That morning._

_"Carolyn, can I ask you something?" Meredith asked, pulling the chair in the kitchen out and sitting in it._

_"Of course dear, you can ask me anything What's up? Carolyn replied sweetly. She had noticed a positive change between her two children, Meredith and Derek, that is. She never really saw the sisters anymore. That would need to change, perhaps a weekend get away? As far as Meredith and Derek were concerned, they were blossoming together. They were slowly becoming healthy within themselves which in turn made them stronger as a couple._

_"Well, you know how we're going to this party tonight? There's going to be a lot of girls there that I know will look at him, because he's Derek! But, I'm nervous he'll see someone he thinks is hott or whatever and want to ditch me for her. Seeing as he's technically single." _

_"Meredith Grey, do you honestly think my son would ever in a trillion infinities do that to you? If you say yes, then you do not know him like I thought you did, and I need to intervene on this whole relationship or whatever it is."_

_"No, of course I don't think that, I just get worried that that's worst case scenario. You know? I know it's dumb, but my fears are huge with him. I constantly think he'll leave me because I'm not enough." _

_"Meredith dear, you've been more than enough for my son these past few months, haven't you seen how much he's changed? He smiles constantly, he's such a joy to be around, even his sisters have said 'The old Derek is back.' and I believe them. You know we owe it all to you. You fixed his broken heart."_

_"I did not. There's no way. I'm too freaky, but he saved me. It's like I was drowning in myself, and he pulled me out. You know?" _

_"I do. I know exactly how you feel, honestly. Because that's what his father and I had. I was the messed up one and he saved me. You know what happened? We were together for 30 years before he was taken from me. And I don't regret a thing, if anything my fears made him chase me and want me more." Carolyn smiled at the memory of her and her husband. "And when he said I was it for him, he meant it. As did I. He's it for me."_

_"Wow, that's amazing. I honestly hope to have that someday, and if I'm lucky enough, I want it with your son." Meredith said, shocking herself at the confession she just made. She was dark and twisty Meredith. Dark and twisty people do not plan lives filled with love, marriage, and children. They just didn't, and she was._

_"Thank you, and you will. As long as your feelings for him never change, you two will be together for a very long time. I can see it, but even if you drift and you two don't work out, you're still my daughter. Forever and ever, okay?" Carolyn said, before patting Meredith's hand from across the table._

_"I've decided what to do. I'm going to tell him. I'm going to make it official somehow tonight. It will happen, because I'm ready, Thank you so much. I hope he wants this as badly as I do." Meredith smiled getting up from the table. She felt adrenaline, and excitement. She was finally going to do it, lean into the fear and make her own happy ending. Things could be great or they could fall apart, but all Meredith knew now is that she wanted to love him. She wanted to be with him. Officially. _

_It was time._

Derek picked her up and span her around, so excited that she finally said the words he had been waiting 5 months to hear. Things could not get better for him in this moment. "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much Meredith." He said, putting her down and kissing her with as much passion and love as possible. Filling her with a new level of love and compassion from him, he really really wanted this.

"Don't thank me, thank yourself. And your mother, you two helped me realize what I've been running from this whole time. I've been so scared of breaking it, I couldn't let it bend. I'm ready for this, I know it. I can feel something within. That sounds oober dumb and cheesy but right now? I don't care." She smiled, kissing him yet again. "Now, come on. I want to dance! And I've never fast danced, so let's get down and funky." Meredith laughed.

"What? Uhm, no. I don't get funky." Derek said, but when he saw Meredith's pouty face, he couldn't help but give in. She was too adorable. "Fine, but you're going to regret this." He winked, and off to the dance floor they went. A series of fast songs played and they worked up a sweat. Bumping and jumping, grinding and being crazy, the young couple was having a blast and when 2am rolled around it felt like 5 minutes ago they were official. Now it was time to go home, Meredith jumped onto Derek's back and he carried her to the car.

"So, what do you want to do when we get back?" Meredith asked. "And don't worry, I already told your mom I did it. She was ecstatic, saying she'd wait until tomorrow to talk to the three of us."

"Awesome.." Derek groaned. "We may get the mother speech, which I'm not looking forward to. But with you there I'll deal."

"Corny!" Meredith laughed as he put her inside the car.

"You like it, but when we get back how about a movie in the media room? There's a bunch of good ones we haven't watched. Which is shocking seeing how we're in there so much."

"How many times have we watched a movie in there?" Meredith winked.

"Good point, will we ever sit through a movie and watch? I know I won't be able to as long as your sitting next to me."

"No self control... it's sad really." Meredith laughed, but stopped when Derek kissed her nose. Then her cheek, her chin, before moving to the corner of her mouth. "What are you doing? You have bad aim." She laughed.

"Testing your self control." He winked, before getting back to what he was doing. He kissed the other corner of her mouth before softly licking her lips, making her want him. He repeated this process about 1/3 of a time more before she basically grabbed his hair and mashed her mouth onto his, being completely dominant in the situation. Showing him just what she could do.

After about a good 20 minutes, a parent tapped on the glass saying they needed to leave now. "Sorry ma'am." Derek said in the sweetest most innocent voice he could muster, trying not to laugh. "We'll get going now." He said before pulling out of the driveway and leaving.

"See what you did?" Meredith laughed. "You made me want you too much and got us in trouble, bad boy."

"What are you going to do about it? Huh?" He winked, wiggling his eye brows.,

"Wouldn't you like to know. Just get us home safely, okay?" She laughed before turning the radio on and blaring the music. Right now, in this moment? Everything was so perfect. So easy, like nothing could go wrong. Nothing could tear Meredith from her happy bubble or bring her down from her Derek high. She was in pure bliss, and absolutely loved it.

They pulled into the house, disabled the alarm, changed into comfy clothes, and got on the pallet they made in the media room ready to watch The Runaways. Derek pulled Meredith close to him and kissed her hair. "I'm so glad you finally did this for us. Really." When Meredith didn't respond, he was about to ask if she was sure still but when he heard her soft snore fill the room he relaxed and smiled.

"I love you." He added before nuzzling his face into her neck and falling asleep. Tonight had been amazing for the both of them and it was just going to get better.

**A/N: So? How'd we like it? I thought it was time to move things along. Too soon? I hope not. Since they've known eachother for almost a year and "dated" for 5 months. So now we have the official MerDer. I really hope y'all like it and I'm so incredibly sorry this took so long. School has been so busy, and now my weekends have been filling up and AHH! I feel so bad. Anyways! Review? Love y'all!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Sooooo sorry that both my stories seem to be on a hiatus. I've just been so busy lately. I'm going to try and update soonish. I go on winter break in 2 weeks. So, I'm sorry and these stories aren't over, just taking a break.**

**3, ash**


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